normal
July 18, 2003 � 5:12 p.m.
mood-sullen
3 Libras-A Perfect Circle
"So I threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy...
oh well...apparently nothing
you don't see me...you don't see me at all" A Perfect Circle
Funny word for the moment-bangs i.e. Bunny got bangs. (Don't ask...it just tickles me)
**************************************
My brothers came over yesterday so I could cook for them. I never thought I would miss cooking for those ungrateful bastards, but I do. I made Darryl's favorite...Tacos. Darryl and Chuck inhaled like 27 tacos between them...Darryl obviously the glutton of the two.
It was good being together again.
Darryl also brought over his pretty little girlfriend. She was quite surprising to me. She was skinny.
To explain why that is a shocker, Darryl likes really curvey women with fat asses and thick ass thighs. He has never been attracted to petite girls. But he sat next to her and they just looked so cute together. He told me he really likes her. I felt...I don't know...honored...that he brought his little girlfriend over to my place to eat and so I could meet her. That was so sweet.
I love my brothers to peices.
I told Jenny about why I left and she felt bad that she didn't notice, but I'm good at that...at hiding what I'm really feeling...and I told her not to sweat it. She said it would be different next time. I wanted to tell her not to hold her breath but I didn't want to be mean.
She is so hopeful that one day Cowboy and I will be civil and we'll all be able to hang out without anyone feeling all out of place that it hurts me. I feel bad that it seems like our friends are caught in the middle of our little cold war we got going on.
I keep dreaming about him. I don't know why I can't stop dreaming about him.
I thought I was through with this...through with all the second guessing. I have accepted that we are through and the future is gone and he has erased US from his memory...I accept that he might have never loved me and it was all a lie...I have no animosity towards him, nor do I harbor any hope for US...he has slept with other women and I slept with Swiz...
We have both moved on and left the dream once known as US behind...
but...
...if all that is 100% true...
why does he find it so hard to be around me or speak to me or give me my stuff to finalize the break up and why can't I look him in the face when I see him or bear to hear his name spoken or allow myself to explore relationships with other AVAILABLE people?
If we are really through...then what the hell are these dreams about?
Are they premonitions or just wishful thinking?
Even worse...what if I have it all backwards?
What if HE really loved ME and I was the indifferent one?
What if I was the one that ran love away?
Just two days ago, I was celebrating the fact that I was free from it all...and today I'm lamenting over things that I can't change or control between us all over again.
Why the fuck am I so fucking ambiguous about everything that concerns him?
I just want to feel normal again.
Whatever the hell that is.