lose yourself
July 17, 2003 � 5:50 p.m.

mood-uber sleepy

Here with me-Dido

"I...am complicated." League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

funny word for the moment-flipabitch

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Yesterday was a completly rambunctious and frivolous day.

We had the giggles here at work from 2-8 pm...laughing at everything and nothing, even busting out laughing if it got too quiet. It was mad fun. We were tossing rubber band balls back and forth, playing wall ball, making nonsensical noises and comments on the intercom, throwing food, crank calling each other, playing music loud, and throwing paper airlplanes. I played a rousing game of MASH online. Three times it came up that I'm marrying Jenny. Oh behave!!

Yesterday...yesterday was a total high school type of day.

It was fucking fantastic.

I call Jane on the way home (Hi Jane!!) and we played catch up. Found out she actually reads my diary (how flattering) and we chatted about Cowboy for a bit. I don't mean for us to always talk about him, but we do. At least I didn't bring him up this time. I don't want her to get the wrong idea bout me and her. I love my Jane Lane...and she needs to tag up my guestbook and tagboard to prove she loves me too ;D (Just Kidding)

So I go straight to Jenny's for our movie date. Now to recap, Jenny is my fine ass lesbian friend that recently broke up with her girlfriend. She is also Cowboy's high school friend and current room mate. She is my bestest friend right now, and if she doesn't stop wearing those sassy ass outfits she might be more. Hmmmmm...I'm kidding but oddly enough then my dreams would make a little more sense...

Anyway...

So I get there, and I was really shocked to see that Cowboy was in the living room with his boy Einstein and made no move to leave. It didn't bother me he stayed, it just surprised the shit out of me. But he still ignored me. Didn't say hi when I came in or bye when I left even though I offered both salutations.

Oddly...it didn't illicit any emotion in me. I didn't care at all. I am really getting used to this shit. I thought maybe last time was a fluke...but no...it's real.

The entity known as US has left the building.

So I'm riding with Jenny, who looked so cute and oddly enough a bit nervous or put off...but that just might have been the scene at the house. She's always afraid something will go wrong with me and Cowboy in the same place at the same time...which is sweet. I told her about Swiz and my revelation and she was speechless. She tried to comfort and she did give a few valid points, but on the whole, she had no idea what to say...and I adored her more for admitting that.

So we get to the movies (Atco multiplex rocks!!) and besides us, there are only three other people in the theater. It was so fucking awesome. It's like watching a big ass TV and you're the only people in the world to enjoy it.

Bliss.

The movie is surprisingly awesome. I went expecting it to be a good movie, but the details and pithy remarks and scenery was just fucking phenomenal. I highly suggest it. And not just because I am butt crazy in love with Sean Connery either. It is just a rocking ass movie that will surprise you.

We leave the movies and go back to Jenny's. This time, he decided to run. We came in and all the lights and tv and shit was on. It looked deserted. We looked around trying to figure out if they were upstairs or what.

They were out back on the porch.

OK...I knew this was probably coming, though I rather he had been upstairs instead because being out back made it seem like they heard us coming and ran back there. I shrug it off. Jenny and me are in the house chatting...looking at videos and not really talking about anything. Einstein came in to get some coffee, and he overhears me call him adorable. I was embarrassed, but when he said you're talking about me? I just said yeah...you're adorable...you are such a cutie. And he is. He talked with us a bit about things going on with him and girls and his ideas for some inventions. I made a joke calling him a genius and he looked put off but said well I don't like to pat my own back. And I was like, what's your I.Q.? And this adorable, sweet, frail, 22 year old cutie says 183. Me and Jenny just gape at him. 183. That's like Einstein status (thus the name). I was completely impressed, and it was so cool talking to him. He had been talking to us for about...say 10-15 minutes...when he says well I don't want him to feel neglected. I know there's some weirdness going on and I don't want to leave him out there. I tried to say there was no weirdness and he could come in, but Einstein just threw his hands up and said I'm not involved, that's none of my business, and he left.

Now that time...that one hurt.

I have no idea what he's telling people about me and why they seem to pick up on some weird vibe...probably because he acts so fucked up around me. Like I did him wrong. Like I lied and cheated. Like I used him for his car and gifts and food. Like I made him rearrange his life and turn it all upside down just to leave him when he needed me most.

They treat ME like I'M the fucking bad guy.

How the hell did that happen?

So I try not to let it bother me, and me and Jenny start joking around. I freak out because a dog hair flew in my mouth at the same time some bug landed on my shirt. I'm all waving my hands and trying to spit at the same time and Jenny starts dying!! Then she was in the kitchen and I come in there and we get into a water fight.

Then the giggles come back.

For over an hour we sat there, laughing, choking, and smoking. Every time I would drink my Pucker I would choke and Jenny would start cracking up...and I mean we were laughing...laughing so hard we were damn near gagging...pointing at each other and laughing harder.

Now that was a real high school moment. We were in there loud as hell...running around like we lost our damn minds and the whole time the guys were out back...in their own little world...like we didn't exist to them. I had the biggest urge to fill a bowl up with some water and throw it at them, but I don't think they would have found it funny, and that suddenly made me sad.

I leave to drive on home. Melancholy as all bullshit. Missing Swiz. Missing Cowboy. Missing high school. Missing my family. Missing just having fun like all hell's broke loose.

I miss having a life. I lugged my bags up the steps, put my pots and stuff away, and laid down in my bed.

Loss and loss and loss and loss.

That's all I know. And then I was suffocating from it...insanely angry at Cowboy and Swiz for making everything so fucking complicated...tonight would have amazing if the guys would have hung out with us...tonight would have been complete if Swiz had called.

I hate feeling like I was left behind.

I hate feeling unworthy.

And that's how they make me feel. Every fucking breath and step they take around me makes me feel so fucking worthless and insignificant that I just want to die.

I turned my face into my pillow and cried just as hard as I had been laughing an hour ago; choking on my loneliness and regret like a rubber ball stuck in my throat.

I didn't think or dwell on anything in particular. I just let my mind wander.

I just let myself cry until my eyes swoll shut and I fell asleep.

I just let myself cry.