cowboy convo #7
July 17, 2003 � 1:44 p.m.

mood-dazed

Understand-Fiona Apple

"Since we started talking, I smile all the time and don't realize it...at work, when I'm watching TV, sitiing around the house...I think of you and all the possibilities of what I can be and we can be and I can't help but smile. I've never felt this way before, and it's all because of you. I barely know you, but it feels like I've known you for a lifetime." Ben Kirkley

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So....

It's been awhile...

Lots of things happening...for both of us from what I hear.

From what I hear.

It's so sad that you find it so difficult to talk to me. I don't understand how or why you act as if I did something wrong to you, but I am not even going to go into that right now.

We all could have had so much fun together last night...laughing, joking, having water fights...we ALL could have had fun acting a straight fool, but you decided to divie up the camps and take Einstein outside and make him chill out there with you instead of all of us hanging out in the living room. We could have had such an amazing conversation...Einstein is so smart and cute and funny...yeah...we all could have had so much more fun together than we did separately, but you have to make everything so damn complicated for no real reason other than you are able to do so.

But so is life. I have some news.

I have met someone.

Not anyone new...he's been in my life for awhile...but no one you know...well...you know of him...it's Swiz. I don't know why I say I met someone like we are together or something, because we're not. He has a girlfriend...and we are just friends...or...we used to be friends...the verdicts still out on that one. We were friends for five years. I've always liked being around him and joking around with him...talking to him. I don't even know why I'm telling you about him, really. There isn't really anything to tell...except...well...

I slept with him.

Straight sober sex at three in the morning, in my bed and with all of my clothes off. First time we ever had sex...ever even thought of taking there...and what took you 4 months to accomplish, he did in one night.

Am I bragging? No. Am I trying to kick your ego or make you jealous? Not at all. I know you don't care...never cared...but I figured you would find that interesting since before you, no one else had been able to accomplish that much, and now after you...the first guy I sleep with got farther than you did. I know I find it strange.

I thought you were special because of that.

It seems like YOU'RE not...

but Swiz is.

He was able to even take it up a notch and make it my first one night stand. The boy is fucking amazing...a got-damn Kreskin, he is.

Remember how adamantly adverse I was about those things when you first met me...casual sex, blow jobs, nakedness, anal...group sex? Hell, you knocked off blow jobs (incidentally...you are still the only guy that will be able to get that...unless I move in with someone or something...odd, huh?), Swiz knocked off nakedness and casual sex...all that's left is group sex and anal. At the rate I'm going, I'm figuring those to be distant memories at least by age 29...well...thirty...I'm not that bold...not yet...and anal still creeps me out.

I guess I should be thanking you...that is my real point of all this. You freed me sexually, and up to a certain point, there wasn't anything that you would have asked for that I wouldn't do. I can only think of two things that were a no no. There isn't one thing I would not have done to make you happy...keep you satisfied...and in thinking of your fulfillment, I somehow received my own. I had never had an orgasm before you, better yet multiples, so if that soothes your ego any...well there you go. I don't think anyone take that title from you...mainly because me loving you as much as I did make things so much more intense...and I will never love anyone like I loved you.

No one ever loves the same way twice.

So in essence...you will always be the best lover I ever had all-around...and Swiz is the best one night stand (probably the only) I ever had...unless...unless somehow it parlays into something more.

If that happens...well...I don't know how long you'd remain undisputed...

What is the point of all this?

Fuck if I know.

I'm telling you because I feel guilty...not for sleeping with him but for enjoying it as much as I did...for comparing you two and finding that you "come up" short...and not because of the sex...but because of something I have just become aware of and it really bothers me.

The question I'm pondering is...

If you and I were still together...how far would this thing have gone with me and Swiz? Would I have cheated on you? Would I have left you...or would I just have told him no and that I love you like I told the others?

The problem is...with the others...there was no question. When they asked, the automatic answer was no...I love him...he is my one and only, my future; but with Swiz, the answer faltered and I'm not talking about after the break up...I'm talking about before we broke up. When he asked me what was going on with me...I hesitated. I hedged around it and dodged it as much as possible...but I did finally tell him about you...about us...about everything...and when he was happy for me...I was disappointed. I didn't know why I was...but I was.

I don't know if it was because I was so frustrated with you at that time or because of the way things were going or what. We were going through some kind of bad phase at that time...Das Bitch, sex, money, moving...everything just beating our heads in to the point we barely wanted to be around each other...well no...you barely wanted to be around me...and that's what hurt.

That's what made me hesitate in answering him...I was no longer sure about US...but I was sure about how I felt about him...how I had always felt about him.

I fear he would have taken me away from you in one way or another, and even though we're through and you did all that fucked up shit, I feel bad over the THOUGHT of the POSSIBLITY that he COULD HAVE come between us eventually.

How stupid is that? How dumb am I that I am torturing myself over something that didn't happen and will never have the opportunity of knowing if it might have?

I am over you.

I don't hate you anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

I am not waiting for you to come back to me anymore.

I am not worried about what you do anymore.

Yet you haunt my life in intangible ways...making everything else seem so improbable unless it is attatched in some way to you.

*sigh*

It seems I need to accept the fact that I will never be free of you.

For better or worse...

I am bound to you forever.