*sigh*
July 15, 2003 � 3:56 p.m.
Mood-Crabby
Purple Haze-Jimi Hendrix
"You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." A Knight's Tale
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So much for the truce between mother dear and I.
She called me getting all bitchy because I haven't been able to pick up her mail. OK...I was up til like 7am Saturday morning and didn't wake up until after 3pm...I didn't even go to work. By the time I got to the post office it was closed. I asked Darryl to go pick it up yesterday but he didn't and I didn't find out til today. I call today to ask him to do it again but he told me his car broke down and mom called him on the other line while I was talking to him. Then she calls me at work and jumps down my throat with why didn't I do this and why won't I do that...shit...I barely wake up in time to get to work on time (actually I don't...I'm late like everyday) but she wants me to wake up, drive all the way out to Sicklerville, wait in line at the fucking post office, get HER mail (Darryl and I get our damn mail forwarded), drive the fuck to work in construction traffic...and then what...just hold it? No...then I have to drive ALL the way to Deleware and play messenger to give her her mail...which won't be until this weekend anyway, so why is she bitching that I don't have it today?!?
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!!!!
TRY FILLING OUT A FUCKING CHANGE OF ADDRESS FORM...THEY WORK FUCKING WONDERS!!!
*sigh*
Why must she insist on pissing me the fuck off? Whenever she's in a bad mood about something else she always bothers me with some bullshit and I am really not in the fucking mood for any of it right now.
Not right now.
Swiz called me yesterday and promised to call back. He did. At 2:30 in the morning. So he came over...and we didn't do anything. But we wanted to do it too...it was obvious in the way we were acting towards each other. That nervous tension...should I sit close? Should I touch them? Should I say something? What if they don't want me? Was it bad last time?
So he left after an hour...and I wasn't even sure if he had really come or if I dreamt it all...until I saw his beer bottle on my headboard. It was the first time we ever felt uncomfortable around each other. He laid there close to me as I rubbed his back...and I already felt that lonely ache inside...that ache when someone important to you goes away and you don't know when you'll see them again. I felt like he was already gone.
He is gone.
*sigh*
My stalker ex (before Cowboy) has been fucking calling me and screaming about who's in MY bed with you? You're supposed to be my future wife! When will I get to see you? Don't you care about me anymore? So what you're on the other line? Tell them to hang the fuck up...I'm more important! I love you, Boo. Hard to believe he is thirty-two years old huh?
Let me give you a brief synopsis of our relationship...we were together over a year...within that time he cheated on me, used me for my car, conned me out of money, stole from me, ran up my cell phone bill, constantly hollered and screamed at me, hit me, criticized me as much as possible, lied about me to his friends and family, snorted dope, and was drunk every fucking day I knew him (besides the first three months I knew him...he had to lure me in somehow right?) So why did I stay, you ask? Why was I so fucking weak and pathetic? Love isn't that strong you say? Well you're right...it isn't. But my promises are.
Damn me and my fucking stupid ass promises.
He tried to commit suicide once and I promised to help him through it all...and when that wore off...well...he threatened to kill me, and he was just that looney that I believed him.
He went all phsyco on me too...calling all the fucking time...walking past my house...just "popping" up in places I would be at...and he was real slick about it too. He would never say anything in front of people or act crazy then...nooooo...he would find a way to catch me alone...and no one believed me when I told them. I had no choice but to wait it out. He got locked up and I took my chance. He wrote me some bullshit asking for help...blah, blah, blah...and I told him no...we're through remember...don't contact me anymore...I don't give a fuck about you anymore, I kept my word, and now I'm gone. Well, needless to say he didn't take that too well, but being in jail also calmed his crazy ass down and made him realize something...
He was in love with me.
Oh, golly gee willakers! Yeah me! He loves me! Woohoo! Oh lucky, lucky me! After carrying on a relationship over a year with two totally different women,(did I mention he tried to kill himself because of HER and every dime he made-including money scammed or stole from me-he gave to her...not me...not the one taking care of him and dealing with his crazy ass. That and the fact that we NEVER HAD SEX has made me quite bitter.)he decides he really, truly loves me...has always loved me and didn't know it, and now he will move heaven and earth and wait forever to get me back.
Hold your breath and I'll be right there, sweetie.
I tried to be nice and pitied him while I was with Cowboy (because well...Cowboy is huge and he would manhandle the shit out of James's ass) and now...just when I thought he might have grown up a little bit...he's pulling this shit...and now I live alone and I am actually afraid this fucker will find out where I live and start acting a real fool. Shit...I'll call the cops and scream bloody murder this time...fuck that.
*sigh*
Why me?
I keep having these dreams about Jenny, Cowboy, Swizzle, and me (sounds like a children's book don't it? Hmmmmmm....)and they are really fucking me up in the head. Swiz always leaves in the middle and Cowboy always comes to me with some confession of love, but I wake up before I answer. I don't get it. Jenny said it might be because I have let him go, but subconciously I still want answers to my questions he never answered. That made sense but what about Swiz? My dreams usually tell me something...prepare me for something would be a better description...but I don't clearly see what they're trying to tell me. The one with the baby is really wigging me out. I am over Cowboy...I have made peace with it. I just wish he would give me my shit. Why is he holding it hostage like that? What is he trying to prove?
*sigh*
I don't know.
I am uncontrollably hurdeling back towards Drama Land and I could have sworn that my lifetime pass got revoked when I was with Cowboy.
I guess when he left me, my name was entered back into the computer and I was reinstated.
Damn...why can't that shit happen with the lottery?
And the $296,000,000,000,000,000.00 winner is Thea Evans! Thea...what are you going to do now?
Well, I'm buying the moon, build a colony on it, build a real life wild life preserve and taking two of each animal...(top that Noah)...find me a spouse to take with me..and that's all. Just me and him...like Adam and Eve all over again...and this time we'll be living closer to God! Yes Don, I am taking my money and starting my own planet, my own race, and leaving all of this bullshit behind. All the heartaches, exes, annoying family members, shattered hopes and broken dreams...all of it will be gone. I will start brand new. I will be a god!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
*sigh*
I need help.