cinnamon sin
July 15, 2003 � 7:44 p.m.

Mood-drifting

Claire de Lune-Debussey

"it is the kiss by which all others in your life will be judged...and found wanting." Hearts in Atlantis

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You are here.

Just moments ago my phone rang loudly, jarring me from my pre-dreams, and your voice was whipering in my ear hypnotically. "Hey baby girl...I hope I didn't wake you...No?...What are you doing?...Can I come over?...I'll be right there...Just leave the door open."

I race downstairs to unlock the door, and by the time I reach my room I hear you come in. I call your name and suddenly you manifest out of the darkness. You're here.

"Hey girl," you breathe.

You lean into me as I rush to greet you, your hands lifting in between us to rub my breasts lightly, smiling as you note my surprise, and then holding my arms as I back away.

I watch as you come closer, smiling, then...as if a veil drops in front of your face, the smile's gone and your body stiffens. Slowly, you draw back.

We stand awkwardly for what seems like forever.

Then we smile at each and the tension eases.

You kick off your shoes and pull off your jacket and fall back on my bed, sprawled out like you belong here...like you've always been here...and I know that image will forever be in my mind...haunting me when I drift off to sleep every night, lost in the scent you will leave on my sheets and pillows...leading me into dreams of you.

You call my name and I am pulled from my reverie.

I look down at you, not knowing if I should lay next to you, sit next to you, or sit at the end of the bed. You look at me lazily as I come closer and perch on the end of the bed. I see disappointment flash in your eyes, but you smile at me easily and dive into a story.

While you talk I gaze at you...memorizing the lines of your face and torso...rememebering the feel of your smooth skin against mine...you hugging me close as you ease your way inside...gasping my name as if it were gladly the last words to pass your lips before death...yes...remembering and dedicating it to it's own private spot in my memory so it will be forever perfect...forever pure...forever mine alone.

Looking at you reverently, I know I am being tortured by a hope for love...for happiness...for a life with you...or at least, a chance at one. My heart aches.

You extoll your stories with much animation, and we laugh and make incredulous interjections in between. You lay here, in all of your cinnamon splendor, gently caressing my leg and staring at me intently...mentally daring me to move closer, but at the same time hoping I will stop the static electricity and move farther away. I merely look at you, giving you every chance to move forward...praying for you to rush forward and kiss me, bruise me, take me...anything...anything but this...this quiet madness that is bouncing between us...killing us softly with each stroke you give.

This is no way to live.

I lay next to you, not too close, but not so far that I can't feel the heat vibrating from your skin. You twiddle your scruffy hair into little twists as you speak, glancing at me shyly from the corner of your eye.

Touch me, I scream in my brain, please come here...touch me...kiss me...hold me close. Impale me...claim my body totally as if it was borne your own. Teach me, rule me, crush me. Let me taste your skin, let the madness end. Breach me, abuise me, love me.

Please...love me.

You come closer as if beckoned, grinning while looking into my eyes as you say you will leave and let me sleep. I panic and reach out to you, saying I'm ok, not tired at all, stay as long as you like...stay forever.

You lean over and lay your head on my hip, your body hugging mine in the strangest fashion, but a divine embrace none the less.

You rub your hands across the back of my thighs and shift your head to the side and purr as I rub your back. You continue to stroke my thighs and part of my backside, while I absently rub your rippled back and play in your nappy hair.

Blessed Serendipity.

You stifle a moan and shift uncomfortably as you slide your hands further up the front of my thighs and I stiffen in anticipation...

Suddenly you sit up.

You look at me sadly and announce you have to go. I sit up and watch you pull on your sneakers, twisting my hands to keep from grabbing you and begging you to stay. I know you have to go...I know, I know, I know...

You keep looking over at me, embarrassed by your obvious condition, and you quickly pull your jacket on and over it. I suppress a smile and look up you imploringly. You watch me tilt my head, letting my smile fade, and then you sigh heavily and look away.

I watch as you light a cigarette, the flames momentarily dancing across your beautiful face, and for the first time I feel it.

I feel the difference between us at full force.

We will never be the people we were together before. We are forever changed. This will always be between us.

Our secret. Our lie. Our love.

I stand at the top of the stairs and watch you descend, tears welling up as I choke out a good bye to the darkness.

The door opens and the moonlight streams in on your form. You look up at me with a pained expression in your eyes.

"See you later, baby girl."

And with that...you are gone.

I stand in the spot you just stood in and let my tears fall. Hoping you will come back, but knowing you can't return even if you wanted to come back to me.

You have to go home to her...

and I don't even have the comfort of your friendship to sustain me anymore.

What we have spawned between us must die now or it will ruin everything we treasure in each other. It must remain forever unnamed...forever unspoken to the other in heated whispers laden with implied promises to eternally bind our tangled bodies and misguided souls.

With you gone, I finally dare to acquiesce it to the nothingness left in your wake.

I love you.

I have always loved you...and I never even realized it until right now...this very moment as the dread fills me that I might not ever see you again...touch you again...make love to you again...fall into the sanctity of your lovely dark eyes as you call my name again.

Yes...I am in love you...

and you will probably never even know it.