the song remains the same
2003-07-14 � 7:04 p.m.

Mood-Tired as hell and bored as shit

Good Morning Heartache-Billie Holiday

"I'm sorry, you're sorry, everybody's sorry!" Fight Club

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Well...let me back up to Thursday...when I was so excited about Swiz coming over. I was so amped to see this guy that I was actually giddy on the ride home.

He didn't come.

I get a call asking what I was doing, if I had cable yet, did I get my stuff from Cowboy yet, was I alone, what was I wearing (yeah...I was starting to dig where THAT was heading!!), he missed me, sorry he hadn't been in touch...but he didn't think it would be good for him to come over. He didn't want to do anything that might jeopardize our friendship and from hearing my voice, he knew that's what he would come over and do...

Jeopardize everything...and he doesn't want to hurt me like that...

So I said ok...I understand...we don't HAVE to do anything...it won't happen if we don't let it...but I could tell by his voice I was making it hard (hopefully ;P) for him so I dropped it.

I haven't heard from him since, the fucker.

It doesn't really bother me, because I see what he means and what he's trying to do...but it really hurts me to think it was just a one nighter...my first one ever and with the guy I have been crushing on since '98...and if we lose our friendship or grow apart in the process, then it wasn't nowhere's near worth it. Well...it had it's good points...but I would rather keep HIM rather than the memory of sex with him.

Shit sucks.

So Jenny came over on Friday and stayed over. It is always so much fun hanging out with her. This morning on my way to work, I realized that she is the first real girlfriend I've had in awhile. You know what I mean....the come over, hang out, get drunk, swap secrets type. Besides her I'm only cool with 3 other females, but we don't do the whole slumber party thang. I kinda hope I haven't been crowding her and that we haven't been spending too much time together. I mean...she's going through a rough spot right now and I know she needs someone to just be there, but on the same token, she just might need time to be alone and process. I don't know. I know I went between those extremes after Cowboy, and I just want it to be the unspoken rule between us: I'm here if you want me. I might ask her next time I see her. Sheesh...I would hate to be bullying her into a friendship...hasn't she suffered enough?

Speaking of Cowboy...I went to Jenny's Saturday to do laundry and I think she told him I was coming like right before I walked up because when I came through the door he was standing there all...I don't know...uncomfortable...he was probably about to bolt up the stairs before I walked in but didn't get the chance. We said hi and I walked past him (not in a snotty way...in a holy shit this crap is heavy way) and started putting my clothes in the washer. Surprisingly, he came in the kitchen after me...but he was getting something to drink. We didn't speak to each other...although I was dying to ask him if I could have my shit now...but I didn't. I believe, however, that while I had my back to him, that he turned my way and looked at me before turning back around to the stove as I came up from the machine. I swear I felt him looking at me...but I might have been wrong. Whatever he was doing, it took him a couple of minutes and he was moving slow as hell...but then he was done, and of course...he ran up to his room where he stayed for the rest of the day.

Whatever dude.

I have to say something though...I never looked him in the face. Being in the same room with him didn't bother me. Him running to his room didn't hurt me.

I felt nothing.

I wasn't nervous about going there...about seeing him...smelling him...hearing his voice...nothing. Nothing bothered me. It was like...like I don't know. Like whatever had been between us was just a dream...like it never happened. It was just a childhood fantasy that I outgrew...no animosity or regret...just nothingness.

I was completely fucking amazed at myself.

Go 'head...you the bitch girl...go' head...you the shit girl...(doing the Hi Lo shuffle dance)

Thing is though...I have been dreaming about him a lot lately...like everynight...but I never see his face and his voice is different, but I know it's him. It's always weird dreams with him, me, Jenny, and Swiz...and we all live together...and I don't know...he and I always have some kind of breakthrough talk in the dream (and it's always him coming to me or approaching me) but I wake up before the resolution comes. The one that really freaked me out though, was at the end, Cowboy and and I were in a hotel room (just talking you pervs, and I left out while he was sleep to pay for the room. When I came back to the room he was frantic. He said "Don't do that again! Don't leave me again! I'm sorry for everything...just stay with me this time...I don't want to be lost...help me...please...stay with me...come with me." And I look at him and promise I won't leave again and take his hand and we walk off pass my friends that were talking mad shit about him...about us...but we glide right pass them without even looking their way. But then...I was lying on a floor and I looked up and Cowboy was on my right and Swiz was on my left...both standing over me expectantly...and I laid there between them playing with the most beautiful baby girl...but it was like the Ally McBeal baby...she could talk and walk...and all she said to me was, "I love you Mommy. Are you going to keep me this time? Are you going to stay with me and Daddy and never go away? Please stay with Daddy. Daddy loves you...loves us. Please don't lose again." And I hugged her and tickled her and promised to stay with her and daddy. Then she was out of my arms and running down the hall towards me calling out "Mommy, Daddy" with her hands out to us. I looked up again and saw Cowboy standing there smiling at her and I looked over at Swiz who was doing the same thing. Then she starting singing "Daddy" but wobbling from side to side so I couldn't tell who exactly was the daddy and just as she got close, I heard one of them say "Come on, Babygirl" and when I looked up to see who had said it...I woke up. Fucked up, huh?

What the hell does that mean? Why am I having these strange ass dreams...both drunk and sober? The sober ones, in fact, are worse!

My subconcious is trying to tell me something...but I haven't figured it out yet. I never should have talked to that damn Blue star...my life hasn't been the same since then.

I guess that was the point though, huh?

How could talking to a star NOT change your life unless you're an absolute moron?

I must not be as dumb as I think I am after all.