grandma
2003-07-11 � 3:25 p.m.

mood-melancholy

Wind Beneath My Wings- Bette Middler

"You are beautiful and smart and just so much like your mother that sometimes when she looks at you she gets angry at you because she's angry at herself. You are everything she wanted to be so she will always make things harder for you so you will be stronger. But you listen, Feetie...I am proud of you. I have always been proud of you and loved you since the moment I held you in my arms. You can be whoever you want to be, as long as you always be yourself, ok?" Natalie Williams

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Today, I am going to take a break from my normal nonsensical bullshit, to pay tribute to the woman I admire more than anyone else in the world...my Grandma.

Eleven years ago on this day at 4:00 a.m., the beautiful entity known as Natalie left this world of pain and anguish behind to go to her Father and finally don her wings.

My Grandma had an undeniable strength and gentleness to her. She believed in the Word, herself, and her children (in that order) that's what she always told me. She could always believe in those things because they would never change and nothing new she found in them could ever surprise her. I guess she knew it all.

My reasons for loving this woman are completely selfish. I could say it was because she always had a kind word to say about others, which she did, but that's not it. I could say it was her devout but flexible religious beliefs that made her special, which she was, but that's not it. I could say that the fact that she was complelely selfless and forgiving and loving to even the most undeserving jerk made her unforgettable, which she is, but that's not it.

I love and admire this woman above all because she was THE FIRST person on this Earth that saw me, knew me, loved me, and was proud of me no matter what. She believed in me...in my talents and my abilities...and she fought my mom constantly on my behalf for my betterment in life. She really loved me...selfless and blind to my shortcomings...understanding and forgiving of my faults...tough and pushing when I felt like giving up...my Grandma...she was every woman.

She is my hero.

I want to be Natalie when I grow up.

There isn't a day that goes by that I do not miss her terribly...hoping and praying that I am doing the right thing so that she always be proud of me. She would have loved Cowboy, I know she would have...and maybe that's what made me love him even more...I could feel her approval.

I was there when she died. I sat there and tried to do CPR and I beat on her chest whispering "Please Natalie...breathe...just breathe...come on, Grandma...don't do this now...not now...I need you..." But something happened. Her body went completely lax and she just expelled this last ragged, horrifying breath...and I knew. I knew she was gone. I could feel it...I could see her soul leaving her body. She was gone...gone.

I haven't really been right since then. My life has never been as balanced as it was when she was around. I feel like a failure at so many things...school, love, life...and I sit and wonder if she is looking down on me...if she is watching it all...I wonder...does she look at me and feel disgust...or pity? Because she knows...dead or not...she has always known what was wrong with me...what I needed...what to give me...and when she left, it left with her...that hope, that joy, that love...everything that was good in me died when she died and now I am trying to resurrect it, because as I get older, I know that she sees me and she wouldn't want me to feel the way I do most of the time and she wouldn't let be be as lost as I am. No...if she were here...I would be a totally different person.

If she were here, I'd be happy.

I would be free.

Now that I have rambled with this all over the place, I would like to close this by saying no one takes value in the things they have anymore. No one takes the time to appreciate the compliments, encouragement, or advice they receive from loved ones every day. We only ban together when there is tragedy and even then, it only lasts a short time. No one takes the time to smell the roses...to enjoy one another.

Life is too short. Too short to try to cram it full on nonconsequential bullshit while pushing the important things to the background. Oh they will always be here...I'm not going anywhere...we'll always have time to spend together...we'll forgive each other one day...they know I love them. We put more effort in making up excuses as too why we don't have the time to do these things than it would take to actually do these things.

Eleven years ago, I fell asleep dreaming of my family standing proudly at my graduation, and woke up to the sounds of my uncle calling the ambulance on the telephone. We don't always have time...they don't always know how we feel...it can't always wait til later...I know that now.

I am going to go now...I have too much to say and not enough words to express it, and none of this coming out right.

I just know one thing to be true and that can be put into words the right way.

I love you Grandma...always, always, and always.