careful what you wish for....
2003-07-09 � 2:20 p.m.
mood-trapped in memories
Everybody's Fool-Evanesence
"You are an extrodinary woman. You make alot of people happy. And you will find someone that loves you just as much as you love them. You deserve that." Jen Everett
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Last night I left here and hit the liqour store on the way home. I sat out on my neighbor's stoop, nursing a drink I created and lovingly named brain eraser (a st. ides 40 mixed with vodka and slow gin....I highly recommend you try it), when I spotted the most beautiful star...it was a big blue star that twinkled...and even though it could have been a planet, I made a wish. This conversation is what ensued.
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me-Star light, star bright, first star that I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, receive this wish I wish tonight...I wish...to fall in love.
big blue star that might have been a planet- What are you, fucking crazy?
me- Uh....excuse me....?
big blue star that might have been a planet- Are you crazy? Why can't you ever wish for money? You always want the same thing...love, love, love...and what happens whenever we grant that wish? You screw it up. So how about it...I'll act like I didn't hear the first wish...c'mon...wish for a million dollars!
me- I don't want a million dollars! All the money in the world doesn't mean a damn thing without someone to love you...
big blue star that might have been a planet- Yeah, yeah, yeah...that's sweet and all....but do you really think that being in love is what you need right now? I mean...you're not that good at it, Sweet Pea. By the way...where is your fiance'?
me- Ex-fiance'...and he's...I don't know...
big blue star that might have been a planet- He's knee deep in pussy with his new girl...you know...the one he cheated on you with and left you for...
me- Yeah...thanks for the update...I needed that...
big blue star that might have been a planet- I think you did. I think you need a big shove to help you let go of this rediculous obsession you have with love. How come you haven't taken his lucky penny or the fortune "Your dearest dream is coming true." off of your computer at work? How many times a day do you look at that fortune and foster some false hope of a future with him?
me- I don't...well...I look at it a lot...but I'm not thinking about HIM when I do...
big blue star that might have been a planet- No...you're thinking about love...your dream of love...
me- Yes...exactly...
big blue star that might have been a planet- And who is in that dream, hmmmm? Let's see...it was him...now it's...oh no...Adam is making a resurgance? Sweetie...why? Why even go there? Why is that loser suddenly back into the picture?
me- He is NOT a loser!! He is just...misunderstood sometimes...but...
big blue star that might have been a planet- He left you, didn't he?
me- Yes...but...he was young....and not ready...
big blue star that might have been a planet- Still with the excuses? Face it...he left you for the same reason Cowboy left you...for the same reason any future love interest will eventually leave you...
me- Which is?
big blue star that might have been a planet- That you don't deserve to be loved.
me- What the fuck?! I...
big blue star that might have been a planet- That's not my reason, Sweetie. That's yours. You're never going to find love because you don't believe that you deserve it.
me- I...well...
big blue star that might have been a planet- You drove them away, Sweetie.
me- I did not!! I did everything I could possibly imagine of doing to keep them happy...
big blue star that might have been a planet- All but one thing...
me- What?
big blue star that might have been a planet- You didn't love yourself.
me- ?!!?!??!?!!?!?!
big blue star that might have been a planet- Adam left you because every chance you got you told him that he was too young for commitment...that he couldn't possibly be happy with you because he didn't know what happiness was...every spare moment you told him that you were not good enough and he deserved better...could find better...so what happens? After listening to you trash your own self worth for...what...4 years...he finally just let go. He couldn't fight with you to make you believe you were worthy and he really did love you anymore. Sound about right?
me- I...uh...I guess I did kinda...say that stuff...a lot...
big blue star that might have been a planet- And what happens in his life after he leaves you? He has never been as happy with anyone as he was with you...he's even admitted that...but he will never come back to you. He'd rather die first.
me- Why? Am I that awful?
big blue star that might have been a planet- *sigh* Yes...actually...you are. You make it damn near impossible to love you...and then even harder to forget you once it's over. No one likes to be haunted by the girl they truly loved but couldn't love...if you get my point.
me- Ha!! You're wrong there! HE didn't love me like that! Oh no....he spat his lies and cheated on me...
big blue star that might have been a planet- You know for a fact he cheated?
me- Well...not actually...but he started things with this new girl awfully quick after the break up...either the day before or the day after...whichever...and he has totally erased me from his life...it's like I never existed...it was all a fucking lie...
big blue star that might have been a planet- You really believe that don't you?
me- HELLO!! He ran from me the last time he saw me!! HE RAN!!
big blue star that might have been a planet- In the midst of this eternal pity party you throw for yourself, have you ever thought that maybe it's just too hard for him? That maybe he still loves you but knows that he isn't any good for you right now?
me- Please...c'mon now...
big blue star that might have been a planet- Reality check, Sweetie. He didn't leave you for sex with other women or because he didn't love you. He left you because he doesn't think he deserves you.
me- What?!?
big blue star that might have been a planet- Think about it....think about every conversation you guys ever had about love...and relationships...think about all he has been through in his life...can you imagine the stone cold fear that he must have inside of him? How could he possibly keep up with you? You breathe love...emitt it like a hormone from your skin...but whenever he tried to show you love, you would shut down. Suddenly it was soooo hard to believe in love. All of the sudden, you would bring up his ex...asking him constantly if he was sure he wanted to be with you...telling him how you didn't believe in love, or at least, how it's not meant for you. Every chance you got, you crammed it into his brain that you weren't good enough and he didn't really love you. No matter what he did to prove it to you, you disregarded it and just kept pounding your warped ideas into his skull til he was at the point where he didn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt. He left you because he had no clue on how to make you happy, and the fact that you made him so happy made him feel like shit. So what does he do? Yeah...he leaves you...and yes...he's trying his damndest to forget you...but do you really think that will be possible? You made him happy...you knew him...inside and out...flaws and all and you still loved him. Do you think he will find that with someone else? Do you honestly believe that he will LET himself find that with anyone else? Are you starting to see your pattern yet?
me- I....my gosh...I never...thought....I didn't realize....
big blue star that might have been a planet- Awwwww come now, Sweetie. No need to cry. It's not your fault you're so fucked up in the head! What would you really know about love...I mean really...no one's ever told you the secrect about love.
me- Secret? There really is a secret? What...what is it? Can you tell me?
big blue star that might have been a planet- Well...I could get in trouble...but since you've always been so loyal to us...I'll tell you. Are you listening?
me- Yes!
big blue star that might have been a planet- Well...it's quite simple really...the key to truly loving someone and being loved that same way in return is learning how to love yourself first.
me- Huh?
big blue star that might have been a planet- You have to love yourself first, Sweetie. You have to learn how to love yourself and accept yourself like you love and accept these men. How could you love them completely but not even like yourself a just little bit? If you had loved yourself...believed in yourself...they never would have left you, Sweetie. They would have walked through hell for you as long as it would have kept you by their side...but...now it's too late. They're gone, Sweetie...they aren't comming back...you must know that...don't you?
me- But...but...but...I loved them....so much....why can't we just try...someday...
big blue star that might have been a planet- Because...they will never want to try...you will always be the girl that broke their respective hearts...
me- But I want him back!
big blue star that might have been a planet- Who?
me- I don't know....either one I guess!! I just want a second chance...
big blue star that might have been a planet- It's not written among us...I don't see that happening, Sweetie...
me- So...so what do I do now? How do I fix this? How do I make myself better? How do I learn how to believe....to love myself? What do I do? How...how am I...how can I...I want to be better...I want to be loved...tell me....tell me what do do!!
big blue star that might have been a planet- Well how the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not a therapist! I'm just a blue star that might be a planet that you made a foolish wish on. What you do now is up to you. Now...how about that revised wish? A million dollars could pay for an awful lot of therapy...
me- I don't want money. I want love...
big blue star that might have been a planet- Awww here we go...
me- I wish that I could figure out a way to love myself and be happy.
big blue star that might have been a planet- Well that's...different...the same...but different...hmmmm good twist...we'll see what we can do about that...
me- Is there anything else you can tell me that might help me?
big blue star that might have been a planet- Acutally, yes...the world you live in doesn't really exist. It is all a drug induced dream created by the machines to control you...the Matrix is real, Sweetie...it is not just a movie...I'm not really a star that might be a planet...We have chosen you...we need you're mind and skill to save our world...I contacted you to extract you...I'm a controller...I can take you out...if that's what you decide...
me- Oh my God!!! Really?!?! I knew something was wrong with this world...I knew it!!! Are you really a controller? Who are you? Is Morpheus real? Are you Morpheus?
big blue star that might have been a planet- Jeez girl...you really are a fucking idiot sometimes. I was only joking!! I think it's time for you to take your drunk ass to bed before your neighbor sees you on his stoop chugging on a 40 and talking to yourself at 11:30 at night.
me- Oh...I knew that!! I was only playing too....
big blue star that might have been a planet- Yeah...right...whatever...get the hell to bed.
me- OK...thanks blue star...I won't forget to look for you from now on....
big blue star that might have been a planet- Good night, beautiful dreamer...and have sweet dreams...my dear little Star Child...
me- Are you SURE I'll never be with either of them again?
big blue star that might have been a planet- Oh damn girl, will you just shut the fuck up and go to sleep? I have other wishes to grant, you know!! Good night!!!
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Now...do you think that was real...or was I just drunk off my ass?
You decide...
Either way...I'll never look at my stars the same way again.