cowboy convo #6
2003-07-08 � 3:55 p.m.

mood-spastic

Lithium-Nirvana

"I know that we will always be a part of each others' lives. We were meant to be." Ben Kirkley

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Slowly but surely, I am phazing you out. I watched Shrek yesterday, and not once did I think of you or did it remind me of you...not once.

I actually ate Wendy's today, and when I did, I didn't feel weird about it. I didn't have any memories crop up about how I used to always pick some up for you on my way over or after you got off of work. I haven't been able to even pass a Wendy's without thinking about you, but today...I ate your favorite burger without an ounce of regret or a sad memory of you at all.

I put on make up and got dressed up for the first time since we broke up. I had the Egyptian eyes, the sparkly hair gel, the Pleasures perfume...the cleavage was out, the legs shiny through the slit on my skirt...for the first time in a long time...I felt attractive...sexy...alive...and when a guy was looking at me that I thought was cute...I was actually able to flirt without feeling guilty about it. I finally didn't feel like I was betraying you.

I'm not sitting at home and talking to the walls as if they were you as much either. I don't think of pithy remarks to make the next time I see you...I don't even wonder about when I might see you again. I no longer want to see you...or wait for that moment...I don't care about that anymore.

I think it's sinking in...I think I'm truly starting to accept that you are gone. Bad thing is...it's a good thing that you left me. It's good that you didn't go as far off the deep end as you are now when you were with me. Maybe that's why it's getting a bit easier for me. I can't stand the man you are now, and you are doing such a good job at erasing the man I knew and the couple we were and even the woman I was when I was with you, that it's like none of it really existed. I might even get to the point where I will pass you on the street and not even know who you are.

Ignorance is truly bliss.

Even if I am able to someday erase your face...the memory of your touch...the scents that can only be connected to you...even if I am able to block out the conversations, your eyes, and making love to you...I will never in my life forget what you have done to me. I will never be able to reign in the spirit of the woman I was before you and harnass that power again. I will never have those hopes or dreams that were created and then destroyed because of you. There will forever be a bitterness and hardness inside of me that every man I am with from now on will have to deal with because of you. No one will ever get the chance to know me like you did or be loved by me like you were loved.

The damage you inflicted is irrevocable and the harm I was caused by loving you will always remain unforgiven in my heart. I am forever undone...thanks to you.

You will just become another thing I instinctly don't do...

Don't shoot up heroine

Don't get lost in white neighborhoods

Don't kill anyone when there's witnesses around

Don't think about HIM

So yeah...I might one day be able to forget you physically, but you will always be with me mentally...

always whipering in my ear, "You're not good enough...You're not pretty or smart or sexy...Don't trust him...He will hurt you...He will leave you...His love is a lie."

You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and now I have to convince myself to forget you like you never existed just so I can wake up and function every day without losing my mind.

Fuck you, Cowboy.

You have ruined me.

I am forever undone.

I will never want to know of love again.