adam and evil
2003-07-08 � 7:53 p.m.

mood-achy and itchy

So Far Away-Staind

"Oh girl, I think you are just beautiful, so stop it." Jen Everett

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So, Jenny in a bottle broke up with her girlfriend last night. Or should I say they broke up with each other? I don't know. I don't have the details. But Jenny isn't really depressed or sad (yet)and feels like a weight has been lifted. Way to go Jenny! Not that I want anyone to give up on love (look who's talking) but if it hurts that much...it's just not worth it. No...not at all.

So I'm on stand by...waiting in case she will need me...or need to talk or anything. Oddly enough, helping her out gives me meaning. Sick huh? Other's people misery and them needing me sustains me.

I fucking need help.

I haven't heard from Swiz, but I think in my drunken stupor last night, I might have called him and left a message. Shit. I'm not really sure...I mean...his number is on my phone, but I'm not sure if I left a message or hung up. Well, either way, he hasn't called me back. It's kinda fucked up, but I think it's a good thing we haven't spoken. I think I would have fallen into my old pattern of fluff girl and gotten too attatched too quickly. That would suck.

Yes...that would suck very much.

I just had to get drunk last night. All day at work I was thinking about my first love, Adam, and the similarities between that relationship and the one with asshole. The only 2 guys I ever loved are also the only two guys that ever broke up with me, and for the same reason. They are also mysteriously, the only ones that ever managed to knock me up...and I miscarried both times. Neither one of them know I lost the kid either time. Spooky huh?

It's been about 3 years since I have seen him and I still think of Adam fondly...which made me start dreading the fact that years from now, I will think about asshole and actually might be able to smile. Fuck, I might even forgive him eventually. Why am I like that? How could I honestly forgive either of them? They both posed as nice guys, but both lied every chance they could. They could look into my eyes...and nakedly say they loved me and would love me always, and looked so damn sincere when they did it I actually believed them. Both of them left me high and dry and I still...though I admit this grudgingly...love them both. I'm a bigger sucker than I thought I was.

I feel antsy now. I want him to call me again...I want to hear his voice again...I want to see him. I need to see him. I need to see if that feeling is still there. I need to see what I will do if it is...because...because if I still love Adam after everything that has transpired, than more than likely I will always love asshole no matter how much I might also hate him...and then...if it is like that...how can I ever honestly be able to fall in love with someone else if I will always have the ghosts of these 2 guys with me...and...and...

Oh no...I've gone cross eyed!!

Well my darlings...I am going to go home and sit on my stoop with my vodka hidden in a clever thermos and stare at my beloved stars, remembering things that never happened and wishing for things that can never be.

*sigh*

I wish Swiz would call.