la vida loca
2003-07-07 � 7:08 p.m.

mood-anxious for some reason

You Belong To Me-Jo Stafford

"I'm sitting here...with my eyes closed...dreaming of this cute little girl that used to run around the most adorable little pig tails. Dreaming...dreaming...of those pig tails. You were such a cutie, even then." Brian Perry

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I don't know what is going on with my life. There have been some surreal situations happening lately...sometimes I even have to stop and ask myself...did that shit really just happen?

Well my 4th totally blew balls. I was resigned to the fact that I would be in my house all day watching my 4 video tapes and moping and talking to the walls like fricking Shirley Valentine...when I decide to get dressed and get out. So I go around my old stomping grounds and was chilling with some folks I know. I got thirsty and I needed some smokes so I ran to the Wawa real quick. Now when I pulled up, I had this apprehensive knot curl in my stomach and for a brief second, I thought about pulling off...I thought HE might be there. Then I calmed myself and thought...he doesn't work at this one...and even if he does...he always worked night shift. So I go in.

I'm waltzing down the soda aisle a bit pissed because someone rammed into me on my way into the store, and when I shut the fridge door, lo and behold, the fucker was there. I turn around and mumble "oh shit" and actually panic as to what I should do. Should I run out, acknowledge his presence with a nod, or ignore him? I calmed myself as gracefully as possible, while this guy at the end of the aisle stared at me smiling while watching my tits rise and fall as I gasp for breath. I sneer at him and he looks away. I made my desicion about HIM. I choose to ignore him. As I grab my soda, I notice that he saw me, whispered something to his co worker that made her look my way and glare at me, and then he bolted-damn near ran-to the back room. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do for a split second. I mean, he ran like I had pulled out a gun and was about to scream "Put em Up!" At first I thought I was going to cry. I went to the counter and I could feel something building....I got my smokes (the whole time that bitch is still looking my way so who the fuck knows what he said to her) and headed out the door. As I got in my car I saw him come back out and look at the door. I sat there a second and then it hit me full on.

I started laughing my mother fucking ass off!!

That was the single most cowardly thing I have ever seen a man do!! He actually ran from me...from me...like I was going to kill him or something!! I mean...yeah...I was pissed off...but at the same time, it was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life!! Ran...from me...damn...that will keep me chuckling for awhile.

Asshole.

So I go over Relly's house and am completely bored. I expected us to go to the waterfront, but we sat there watchiing the damn Smurfs as we could hear the fireworks outside. We couldn't see them from where he lives. He wanted me to go to Atlantic City with him, but I had to work Saturday and I knew they wouldn't be getting in until the next day so I passed. He hates it when I say no. He always takes it personally when its not personal. Shit nigga, I just can't go!

But I meet a friend of his while I'm there...actually when we're leaving. I was standing in the hall waiting for him when this guy (kinda cute)is like creeping down the hall, smiling and looking me up and down and shit. He comes up next to me and Relly comes out and they greet each other, but the whole time he is all in my grill, so I just give one of those really uncomfortable little smiles as to say "Hi...why are you fucking staring at me?", and Relly introduces us and when he hears my name his face lights up. "OHHHHHH.....so you're Thea! Wow....Thea...." and he shakes my hand and I say what's up, but he continues to grin at me. Relly goes to the dumpster and this cat walks me to my car smiling and just singing my name..."Thea, Thea, Thea....in the flesh" I was like what have you heard about me? And he smiles and he's like "All good things girl...you know how cool ya'll are...he always says nice things about you. It's just cool to put a face to it...and such a cute face at that." The whole time he's grinning like a chesire with some great secret, shyly looking at my feet then my face then my feet again. He watches me get in my car (in the process watching my skirt slide up) and he says "I hope you come around again real soon, girl...yeah...real soon." Me and Relly drive off and I could tell by the look on his face he didn't like what had happened...but I still say...he was cute...who was he? I never really got an answer...but suddenly Relly doesn't like dude no more neither. How sweet.

Saturday I had a girl's night with Jenny, which got crashed by my boy Fuzzy and a couple of other guys from high school that I know. I love Fuzzy dearly, but that boy drives me crazy to the point of distraction!! They were thumbing through photo albums and he came across a picture of me when I was a kid with these pig tails and he says "This is the Thea I rememeber...you will always be this girl to me." which was so cute and so annoying at the same time that I didn't know what to say. So we bickered for awhile...and then they left...but it was so surprising and great to see him. I hadn't seen him in damn near a year...? maybe...and then he comes to my new place out of the blue. I couldn't have been happier.

Afterward, Jenny woke back up (I had fixed her a vodka and cran when she first came, but I gave her like half the bottle of vodka so she was juiced) We started talking about everything...her relationship...my ex relationship...how she feels...and I won't put her business out there like that, but I hope I was able to help her. It was like...as she was talking, the realizations just kept hitting her...in waves you know...and she just seemed so sad. I think she has come to a conclusion. Whatever it might be...I'll get her through it. I honestly admire her. I mean...I thought I had did a lot in the name of love...but the things she's done and dealt with...the way she tried to change and the way she sacrificed so many things for so long in the name of love is so fucking amazing to me.

She is a phenomenal woman...and I admire her strength and courage very much.

Sunday my girl Blue came over and surprised me...while I was in the midst of getting a flurry of odd calls. My ex stalker called me...said he would call back(fucking great....kill me), my brother called said he would be over later, my mom called and said she was almost there, Blue called and said she was in the area and asked for my apartment number, and then HE called...had the nerve to fucking sound chipper too...asking me for the code to the storage place. Part of me wanted to be a bitch...ooooooooohhhhhh I wanted to say some fucked up shit...but I went...got my code and told him it might not work, but I gave it to him anyway...I don't even think he said thank you. Fucker. One after another they called...it was so weird...no calls all day to that...all at once. Ah well...

Me and Blue sat talking and I told her about what happened with HIM and the fall out since...and like an ass...I showed her the ring. It made me want to cry when I opened the box. I had't pulled that ring out since the day we broke up. It really is a beautiful ring...I love that ring...and I can never wear it again. It symbolizes a lie...and I feel like a fool everytime I look at it.

My bros came and bullshitted awhile...my mom brough me some food..Jenny came back over and I helped her with her paper for English...and then...the stalker calls me. My horrid ex...talking all this bullshit like always...and Jenny is there mumbling shit and trying to get me to laugh and I was trying my damndest not to laugh...I'm gone get her for that one....you wait!!

He kept me on the phone until after 2...saying nothing substansial at all. How do you have a 2 hour conversation that has no substance?

But then...this morning... overslept so I couldn't take Blue home and she calls her brother so she can go over there. Turns out he lives around the corner from me. I should say now, as I have a feeling he will be appearing in future entries...that he is my ex boyfriend....from 8 years ago...we had been together for 3 or 4 years on and off...until he broke up with me(funny....the only 2 guys to ever break up with me are the only two guys I ever had any real feelings for and both of them gave the same reason...they weren't ready to commit...what the fuck is that?)

Anyway...we talked for like an hour damn near...catching up and shit...I think I will be seeing him tonight....he'll probably stop by...EEP!!

All weekend I thought about Swiz...wishing he'd call and wishing for a reason for me to call him...but I didn't call...I let it be....for once I just let it be...

So....see what I mean by surreal? There's some odd shit afoot...and even though I'm feeling leery....

I've never felt more alive.