cowboy convo #5
2003-07-05 � 2:55 p.m.

mood-shruggy

The Nearness of You-Norah Jones

"You are the best girlfriend I have ever had...the things you do for me...the way you look out for me...you let me be myself and you're happy with who I am...no one has ever let me be me, I was never comfortable with letting all of me show...but I am with you. You make me happier than I've ever been. How could you not be sure that I love you?" Ben Kirkley

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You are a coward.

I had no idea you would be there at that time of the day. I thought you worked night shift and I completely forgot that you worked at THAT Wawa and not the other one. When I saw you, I liked to freak, but I just went about getting my soda and ciggs. I don't know if you saw me before I saw you or after, but I did see you look up and then bolt to the back room like I had pulled out a gun to rob the place.

How fucking childish is that?

I don't get it. You lied to me. You cheated on me (yes...I know all about how your new girl was in the picture before we were officially over). You are the one whose fuck piece is calling ME and harrasing ME for no reason. You're the one that still hasn't returned my shit. You left me. You hurt me...yet you have the nerve to walk around this world like I did something wrong to you and you're in fear of your life.

Grow the fuck up...please.

Leave me some of the delusion that you are at least part of the man I believed you to be. Do you have to destroy all my memories? I use my memeories to comfort me...to ease the pain...to try to make it easier to understand it all...but you...you are killing everything off bit by bit...erasing BOTH of us like we never existed. How is that? Why are you deleting who you are? What the fuck has you so afraid? Why the fuck are you so afraid of me? You know me...even though I am really beginning to hate you (not just saying it anymore...the word is starting to hold weight with me) I would never do anything to hurt you or stalk you or anything like that. I have more pride than that...more honor than that...and the fact that you're disregarding who I am...acting like you have no clue who I am or what I'm capable of doing is offensive as all bullshit. I wasn't living the lie...you were. I meant everything I ever said or did for you.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Do you even know who you are anymore?

Do you really hate happiness that much...are you really that afraid to truly live life and have memories that you are willing to totally wipe your brain clean so that there's nothing left at all? This guy you are now...is a fucking cowardly asshole...seriously. Fuck...you are better than that...at least I thought you were...maybe I don't know shit after all.

I need to thank you though. Thank you for leaving me and showing me your true self...your true cowardly, cheating, lying, sneaky, malicious, deceitful, self destructive self. Thank you for saving me from a life with a broken boy that talks a good game, but is afraid evrything emotionally charged. Thank you for breaking my heart and proving to me that all men are lying scum no matter how good you are to them. Thank you for fortifying my belief that I am not meant to be loved or build a family and live the Donna Reed life. Thank you for giving me hope and dreams and then fucking taking them away just so you can erase them like they were never created.

Yes...thank you for leaving me....thank you for saving me from yourself. That's it isn't it? You knew you didn't deserve me...you knew you were fucking up and lying and doing me dirty and some scrap of humanity shone through enough for you to set me away from you instead of destroying me completely.

It's such a shame though. The man I knew...the man I thought you were and the one you said you wanted to someday be...was a great man. A bit screwed up but hey...he had his good points. I wish you didn't feel the need to erase him along with the remnants of me. I wish you were strong enough to accept your shortcomings instead of always trying to bury them and hide away.

It's a damn shame you're not the man that you pretended to be with me. I loved that man.

The world would have loved him too.

You're just too scared to let him live...be real...because then you have to leave Neverland and grow up and let go of the fantasy...because then you would truly be seen...and you can't deal with that can you? You would rather stay emotionless and invisible rather than experience life and be seen for who you really are.

You poor deluded fool. You have my pity freely...

because you will never have anything else.