great things happen all at once
2003-07-03 � 1:37 p.m.

mood-gleaming

One For My Baby-Frank Sinatra

"I think you are definitly an exception to most women. I don't think I'll ever meet another women like you, and that's dead on." Mr. Rush

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OK...I have had a strange past few days...let me break it down...

Sunday-I pick up asshole and he was sleep. Took forever for him to wake up but then I found out he had worked a double the day before. I paid him 20$ because I felt bad (not bad enough to let him out of it though) So he's tired and in a shitty mood...which automatically puts me off. We get to the storage place before my brother gets there with the truck, so we end up sitting in the car. He gets out to call his girlfriend and I really start to get pissed off. My brother finally gets there and my friend Relly, who hates asshole, ignores him when intros are made (and secretly I smile), but they eventually begin talking about stuff. Actually, he talks to everyone else there BUT me. We get to my place and everyone comments about my place BUT him. He says nothing. No good going...it's nice...nothing...and my feelings are hurt but I shrug it off. The whole thing only took like 2 hours, and when we were leaving, smart ass Relly says to asshole, "It's good to finally meet you. You make sure you take good care of my lil sis and give her what she deserves. You know how she loves you." Asshole stopped walking, my mouth fell open, my brother stopped short and spun around to look at me, and Relly just stood there smiling. I hiss at him that we weren't together anymore and he shrugs "so, what does that mean? You still have to take him home...he better not do anything to you." and starts laughing. My brother smiles and looks at me to get me to smile, and asshole laughs and says "damn...you ruined my plans!" more laughter...all laughing but me. He gets in the car and chit chats a bit about his tattoo and then he procedes to tell me about his girl and how she was the type of girl he always wanted to date but never had the chance to and even gives me insight to their sex life. It pissed me off...but it didn't bother me if you know what I mean. What bothered me is everytime I said something I would get no response. Even when I said "Well, at least one good thing comes from today...you'll never have to see my cute lil face again" jokingly, he just sat there like I never said a fucking word. So I was like, not even a comment huh? And again...nothing. So we rode on in silence. And then this song comes on by U2...I don't know the name of it...but it was about breaking up and saying goodbye to yesterday because it was too late to go back and too soon to go forward and even though there was so much so much love there was also so much pain to work through...maybe one day again...

OK...so now it's hard to breathe....none of this went the way I wanted...and as he is about to get out of the car, we shake hands and say goodbye.

WE SHAKE HANDS AND SAY GOODBYE.

A fucking year of my life gone...no more hopes, no more dreams, no marriage or happily ever after...he destroyed my world and all he does is shake my hand and tell me to take care. And he was a real jerk about it all too. Like I wasn't anything to him...like he didn't know me at all. By the time I got to the truck drop off I was bawling my heart out and remained that way for the rest of the day. It was good bye. It did suck. I did all the wrong things I feared I would do. He really never gave a fuck about me at all.

Asshole.

Monday-Swiz calls me at 5:30 am, thinking that it was just 11. Well now that I'm up, he said he wanted to come through and see my place. So I was like ok...my first visitor...cool. He comes over and snuggles up with me on the couch and we talk about asshole for a bit and then we make out. I though he would be pissed because we couldn't do anything, but instead he just lays next to me on the couch...with me hugged in his arms for like 4 hours, until it was time for him to go home and get ready for work. **swoon**

Unpacking all of my stuff later that day and come to realize that my mom had given me two of all her special crystal for me and asshole on special occasions. She gave me the beer steins because he had commented on how cool they were. She gave us the couch because he had commented on how comfortable it was and how much we would "use" it (even though...I don't think she knew we meant to use it as a sex couch). We had chosen the plates and the glasses I have I picked because he loved those glasses. Almost everything in the fucking aptartment reminds me of him...so Monday...I cry all day.

Tuesday-Quite uneventful....unpacking...bored as shit...talking to my walls most of the day about asshole. Then Jenny comes over and brings my TV. We sit up and I tell her how fucked up he was towards me and she sympathizes and tells me I'm better than that and I will eventually find myself again. But then we were talking about her and her relationship, and I never realized how alike our situations are/were. She is like the Bizarro me! It was so great to know that someone else understood what we were going through...but sad that we realized how fucked up in the game we were. I adore Jenny...even more so now than before because through out the whole break up and fall out shit, she was a really good friend. She remained loyal to me and that means more to me than I could ever explain. It bothers me that she has to go through so much for her relationship...that she seems so unhappy and floating in between it all...trying to balance it all...and there's really not much I can do to help her. I wish I could fix it all for her, but I guess I'll do the next best thing...be there for her through it all it whatever way she needs me.

Wedensday-Lounged all day. Totally dissed the married guy (in my mind...well...it was like cheating...on Swiz) so now he probably hates me and will never speak to me again. At least not until he's horny again. Went out and bought some videos...and I actually cried at the end of every fricking movie...even though I wasn't even sad. Turned in at round 12:30 to be woken up by a phone call at 3:00 am from Swiz. He was out getting cigs and he was bored...so I said he could come over. We were chilling on my sex couch smoking and talking...and he was describing the rain to me...and it was like my kamikaze rain, but oddly enough...it didn't make me sad or think of asshole. He got up and was wandering around the room and then he stands over me and and lays on me...his head just snuggled against my breast and rubbing his hands on my legs. He has this thing for my skin. He just loves how soft it is. So he said he just stay there and fall asleep...when I said he could and I wouldn't mind, he asked if we could lay in my bed without any clothes on so he could just feel my skin next to him all over. OK...I know a line when I hear it...but it was still cute so we I said alright. We were there...hugged up and he was just rubbing his hand on my back whispering how soft it was....and then...well...alright...I won't give details (this time) but it was fucking awesome. The boy got stamina out the ass and I just love the way he tells me to touch him and moans my name...shit it was sexy!! The condoms kept breaking though....which was funny...so we were laughing and joking and sexing and it was just so cool. He is the second guy I have had sober sex with and no lie....HE WAS WAY BETTER THAN COWBOY. I'm not saying that out of spite either...it's just the honest to God truth and that shocks the shit out of me. I don't know how to process that. I mean....he wasn't even finished...he just stopped because we started talking about something...I can't remember what...and it was so fucked up he had to stop to laugh. We laid there afterwards...he didn't want to leave right away...and we talked about all kinds of shit. He said this would only be a one time thing because things could get dramatic and sticky for us, and he doesn't want it to effect our friendship...I was disappointed, but I agreed...because something tells me I might not hear from him for awhile, but I don't think that was the last time. Something about the way he said it...left too much room for interpretation...or future amendments. But he was so cute through it all...and he told me he felt so comfortable with me and he said I was most definitly different from other women...he said I was in a class all my own. He kissed me on the back before he left and said he'd keep in touch and call soon...although I know the weirdness factor will keep him from calling for at least a week and I'm cool with that. I'm just glad it was him...my first after asshole. I hope it doesn't make my old feelings for him flare up...how bad would that be? He's not going to leave his girl for me...and I really shouldn't be thinking about any of that anyway.

So I came to work today with a smile on my face...exhausted but strangely happy...with that butterfly feeling in my tummy acting up everytime I think of Swiz and how he was the perfect combination of sweet and demanding rough and smooth....geez....I HAVE to stop thinking about it.

Weird turn of events huh? I started this move off with thinking my life was over...and I'm ending it thinking my adventure has just begun.

Even if nothing happens between me and Swiz again, he gave me more than a tumble in the sheets.

He gave me a shot of confidence...and a glimmer of hope for good things to come.