cowboy convo #4
2003-06-28 � 3:24 p.m.

Mood-extremely nervous

Somewhere I Belong (my anthem)-Linkin Park

"I'll never leave you baby. You are my girl." Ben Kirkley

**********************************************

My stomach is in fricking knots I am so nervous. I am nervous about going to my place today and trying to clean it before the furniture comes, nervous about seeing my new neighbors while I'm lugging all my shit to the door, but mainly...I'm nervous about seeing you tomorrow. I am absolutly terrified to see you, and I don't know why.

I have it in my mind that when I see you, I will tell you good bye...we will never have to see each other again...you'll no longer be burdened by me or a memory of me...I will be completely out of your life. That's what I want to say. I want to tell you how you are a fool...how no one will ever know you like I do...love you like I do. I want to expose all of the lies to you that you don't think I know about. I want to blast you about that chick calling me and informing me of yall's alleged affair while we were together. I want to make you squirm...make you hurt...make you sweat...then say good bye...good riddence...it's been real...and never look back. I want to see you tomorrow, find closure, and forever erase you from my life. This is what I WANT to do.

I doubt that's how it will happen.

I have a good notion that I will be completely tongue tied and nervous around you...searching for conversation and hovering ever so near so I can watch your every movement. I have a feeling that I will blunder out some idiotic chit chat and say all the wrong things so that I feel utterly stupid and want to crawl into a ball and die. I have a really strong feeling that I am going to be crying myself to sleep for the next few days after I drop you off. I am going to start missing you again...feeling the full force of the love again...and I am afraid that I will beg you stay a while longer...explain it to me again please...tell me why we can't be together right now...tell me you still love me.

I am so afraid to say any of these things to you. I am afraid that anything I say or do might negatively effect the way you see me...feel about me...and thus remember me. I don't want tomorrow to be horrible and then be the last time we ever see each other or speak to each other. Damn it...I don't want tomorrow to be the end of us.

But I believe it will be. I have a feeling that tomorrow is good bye for us...a so long to love...and I don't think it is going to be at all like I planned. I think it's going to be a fiasco.

Worse than that, I fear that I will look into your eyes and see nothing. No feeling, no regret...nothing...and if that happens, I will surely want to die right there.

I hate this. My God, I hate this feeling...that apprehensive premonition feeling...that denial...that hope, all tumbling around inside, hurting like razor blade butterflies spitting acid onto already dying flowers.

For my own sanity, I need to say goodbye, but I don't want to say good bye.

I'm afraid if I say good bye, it will make you want to never come back.

If I say good bye...then the dream of love will be forever gone.