complicated
2003-06-27 � 5:24 p.m.

mood-agitated

Show Me How To Live- Audioslave

"The moment I saw you I knew that there wasn't anyone else in the world like you. When I married you they said for better or for worse. I knew it was a coin toss." Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood

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Why is it, that when I am driving down the road blasting my radio, I get all these weird looks from people? I was blaring "Bring Me To Life" on the way home yesterday and this black couple pulled up next to me and commenced to stare into my car and shake their heads like they caught me selling crack to a 3 year old or something. Further up the road a white guy looked over and gave me a patronizing grin like "what do you know about that kind of music?". What the hell yo? A black chick can't blast rock music in this day and age without everyone looking at me like I'm some kind of science project gone bad? Man...fuck that! I love music...hell I work with a bunch of musicians (my favorite being Satan, who has the beautifully angry voice of an avenging angel) that are rockers and DJ's and jazz artists...how could I not have eclectic taste in music? More than that...how the hell come in year 2003 it's not "tolerated" that I do?

Assholes.

I am in like a way funky mood today. I have been pissy since I woke up this morning. I called and left him a snotty message about not needing him to help me move and he had better paid the storage. Then I get major cramps on the way into work. I don't even know why I am on my period right now with everything that has happened, but whatever. And now everyone is grating on my nerves for some reason, even though they're not doing anything to me. I just want to go home...not where I'm staying, but to my new place...and lay out on the floor and cry. Just cry until I get sick and my eyes are swollen shut. I cried like that once...May 18 to be exact. I'm not even sad though. I'm excited about moving and setting up my place...but I just want to cry and I don't know why.

Hey...I'm a poet and didn't know it! lol

Well he just called me back. I was wrong. He isn't charging me to help me move. He had forgotten that he was supposed to pay for the whole storage so when I asked him how much he was charging me, he thought I was talking about that when I was talking about helping me move.

I know...we communicate soooo well, don't we?

So, he's not charging me and even though the day was changed and he has to work the night before, he will help me on Sunday, which is a blessing because like noone can help me on Sunday. And he said he's helping me because he wants to help me...I better not try to pay him. I guess he...he feels something...I guess chilvary isn't dead after all.

I always get so nervous when I talk to him. I feel like I'm on an interview to get my dream job that pays 1.5 billion take home a year. I don't know why he has that effect on me. I turn into some scatterbrained idiot searching for topics just to keep him on the phone just a little bit longer.

See...that's why it's so hard for me to come to any kind of resolution as to not dealing with him anymore. He can be a complete ass one second, and then say or do something so sweet the next. How can I decide to walk away from him, when...when he just might be starting to turn and walk back towards me?

Why does everything have to be so damn hard for me when it comes to love? Everything else is going so well for me...but it all seems so incomplete...because...

because...

he's not with me...

and it's not a complete package unless he's with me.

God give me strength.