cowboy convo #3
2003-06-27 � 1:39 p.m.

mood-bitter

Too Physical- Nine Inch Nails

"We will never be like them, I promise. We love and respect each other too much to let things get bad between us. We have never had a problem communicating." Ben Kirkley

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Here are the top ten things/reasons why I hate you.

10. I hate the fact that I ever met you because the moment I did, something inside of me was tapped and it changed me. Now I can't go back to being the girl I used to be...that's a good and bad thing. Good because I hated the girl I was, but bad because at least that girl was strong and immune to all the bullshit men tend to throw my way.

9. I hate the way you were always sleeping when I came all the way out of my way to see you and be with you. Funny...you were always tired then, but now you're always up and out somewhere.

8. I hate how you were always "broke" and I always had to pay to feed you and for gas and whenever we went to the movies or out to a bar...everything was always paid with my dime. I was the only one buying you things and taking care of you, but you rarely ever had any money to reciprocate...but always had money to buy shit you wanted but didn't need.

7. I hate how you hardly ever did anything romantic for me. Even the love notes wore thin and even though it was the only thing I asked you to do, you couldn't even do that. You didn't get me flowers or surprise me with gifts or take me anywhere nice or romantic.

6. I hate how you like never put me first (I only remember you doinig that twice) Everybody else always came before me...your friends, your games, your fucking bitch ex girlfriend. I was always at the bottom of your list of priorities and you never even bothered to pretend otherwise.

5. I hate how you have made it impossible for me to function sexually with any one else. You took away my security blanket (liquor) so I would always be sober and alert for sex with you, and now I can't trust that with anyone else, but I can't have drunken encounters either because it makes me nervous and whorish. Also, I think its real fucked up how after you make it so I am ready for sex all the time, we stopped having sex due to "problems" but mysteriously all those "problems" have gone away now that you are fucking other bitches.

4. I hate the way you used to lie to me over dumb shit and wasn't smart enough to realize that I knew you were lying. I would always give you chances to come clean but instead your lie would get more intricate and you would cover it up with the "I love you too much to ever..." defense. You lied so well too...so effortlessly...like it was breathing to you...with a straight face and all. You really should have been an actor. No wonder women have always told you that.

3. I hate the fact that I can't forget how you used to look at me, touch me, and talk to me like I was the most precious and important thing in the world to you. No, matter how bad I looked or felt you could always look at me and say or do something to make me feel better or smile...sometimes even laugh out loud. You always had a song to sing or line to say or a face to make, and now I can't watch, see, or listen to any of those things without thinking about you and wanting to cry until I dry heave. You attatched yourself to all of the things I love, and now I can't even enjoy those things anymore because they make me think of you. Also...I fucking hate the fact that you would rather believe that the reason why girls fall in love with you is because of your dick instead of how you make them feel good emotionally. You are a damn idiot to really believe that and she is pathetic for telling you that. After 7 years the only reason she could give for women falling in love with you was the sex...and that actually made you proud.

2. I hate how you gave me the illusion of safety and love. I believed in you...I trusted you...you gave me hope and then you told me to believe in that and believe in you and I did...with all my heart, for the first time ever, I believed in something and actually thought that I was worthy of it obtaining it. You gave me hope, faith, and dreams and then you just took them all away from me like I was a chastised child on punishment and you had to take my toys away. I have nothing left now. Those things were only possible because of you...could only happen with you...and now I can't even think about those things because of what you've done to me. You even stole my thoughts from me...my future...and it doesn't bother you at all.

And finally....# 1.....

I especially hate your fucking guts because even though you did the things on this list, I still loved you and still wanted to make a life with you, but you chose to leave me anyway. No matter what I did or put up with, it wasn't good enough for you. You spoon fed me lies that I eagerly lapped up and swallowed whole...thinking that you were sincere...that you were different from the rest of the guys I have ever known...and things were going to work with you because you really loved me and you were the first to ever really see me. I accepted all of the "shortcomings" because ultimately, the guy you were in spite of those things was a really fucking great guy with big dreams and an open heart and a the most tragically beautiful soul. I beleived in all of those things. I wanted to be your wife. I wanted us to live the lives we always wanted to live...to be free with each other how we could never be free with others before. You were the love of my life...the missing piece to my soul...you were my completion. I admired and revered you (and could still tell you when you were fucking up). I treated you better than anyone ever did. I accepted you and understood you and wanted nothing else than to spend my life with you, have your children, and make you happy. That's all I wanted from you...was you to let me love you...and even with that being all I needed from you, you still left me. You left me and now you treat me like you wish I would just disappear and you could erase me from everyone we know memories so you will never have to hear my name again.

I hate you...from the bottom of my fucking soul to my fingertips, I hate your stupid lying ass for wrecking my entire life and being so nonchalant about it...like it means nothing to you to do such a thing to someone that never did anything to hurt you...for acting like I am nothing to you.

Even so, as much as I hate you, I hate myself 1000 times more, because if I don't concentrate and remind myself of the reasons why I hate you constantly, I sit around and think about how much I love you and want to be with you again.

Aren't we a fucking pair?