strange days
2003-06-25 � 1:41 p.m.

Mood-cramping it up

On My Own-Irene Cara

"All good things come in time, but great things come all at once." Rat Race

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One of the best movies came on last night...Fame. I looooove that movie! I mean...how cool would it have been to be able to go to a school where you have jam sessions in the cafeteria and parades in the street? Dude...I would have loved that...a school where it was cool to not fit in with the rest of society. The dancers, the actors, the musicians...the freaks. It was like a new wave bohemian society, the way they all just seemed so...so free. Granted it was just a movie...but damn...I wish I could have gone to a school like that...

I'm gonna live forever...

I'm gonna learn how to fly...

Anywho, I finally got a template and it really suits me right about now. If you like it or want one click on the link on the side and give them a shout.

Ok...? OK!

I just got off the phone with married guy...Ric...who is very eager to come over to my place on Wedensday so we can...as he put it...play with each other. Damn it! I hate this part! I want to have sex with him...it's been so damn long since I had any good sex...or any sex at all...but I don't really want to have sex with him. I mean...I hate how he just shows up out of the blue, after not speaking to me in like forever, and expects me to just have sex with him like everything is kosher. It makes me feel like a ho...a booty call. I know he's just going to disappear again when he hits it...why even bother to pull more drama into an already dramatic situation? I have too many complicated feelings for him to just fuck him and go on about my way like its all good. Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do...he's so demanding and blunt...God that's such a turn on...and it's just really hard to say no to him...

I don't know if I'm ready to have sex with anyone else yet...for so long it was just Cowboy...now I'm scared that I won't be able to function with other guys without freaking out and having to be dead drunk...shit!!

And why am I sitting here thinking of Swiz? Why do I feel like if I do something with Ric it will be some kind of unspoken betrayal to Swiz? Is that even possible? Do I really like Swiz that much or is it just because we all know each other and I've always been caught between my feelings for both of them?

I never thought the situation would actually come when both of them seemingly want to be with me.

I am wiggin' out big time.

Bunny told me I should just step back from the Cowboy situation all together..not call or anything...and she's right. I just need to distance myself from the situation and give myself time to heal.

OK...how weird is this day? Cowboy just called me and told me he would help me move. I have to pay him, of course, because he will be broke after he pays for the storage (which he told me he had already paid but the lady called my other line while I was talking to him to tell me otherwise), but he called me back and agreed to help me. I asked him what his problem had been and he admitted he had felt weird about when we went out and tried to cruise for sex (with other people) together and me trying to hook him up with someone and then what happened back at his place. He said that if he hadn't been so drunk it wouldn't have went down like that. So I told him it wasn't a big deal to me...I was drunk so it doesn't bother me what I did...it just bothered me how he acted the next day and well...since then. It was a surreal experience...but damn...it doesn't have to mean anything. Ok, maybe it does mean something but it doesn't have to mean everything. Why are men so damn stupid sometimes? Geesh!

Any way...back to Bunny....

Right...so take time to heal and just steer clear of the whole situation. Which, after Saturday, I will do. I think it will help me gain closure...that and writing the conversations down that I have with him (in my head...yes...I still talk to him in my head...problem with that?). There's just so much left unsaid...unclarified...if I write it down and get it out of my system...eventually...well...there won't be anything left to say and I will be able to put it to rest and move on.

I really wish I could call Swiz right now.

Damn.

My Horoscope...even it is telling me what I need to do.

Thea

Sun Sign: Aquarius

Rising Sign: Aquarius

Join with others for stimulating conversation and purposeful dreaming. You will find that you are not alone in your thoughts and strong opinions, Thea. Now is the time to make yourself heard. Work toward maintaining peace by exposing the truth. Take the time to create fantasy in your world to dilute your fears of reality. Make decisions based on love, cooperation, and prosperity instead of neediness, trepidation, and anger.

Life Path Number: 7

With all that has been happening in your life lately, Thea, this 7-Day is a great one to spend some time with yourself. You may be asking why about a lot of things that have been occurring. Take the time to sit back and reflect on the experiences that have brought you to where you are right now on this contemplative day of your own essence, Seven. By giving serious thought to the chain of events, you may find the answers to the questions you have been asking.

I miss him.