momma and me
2003-06-23 � 2:35 p.m.

Mood-levitating

"Sleeping Awake" P.O.D.

"I love you both so dearly, and want us to grow closer and you to be happy in your life. You are my beautiful daughter and one day the right man will come along and just sweep you off your feet." Olivia James

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So this weekend, which started off so totally shitty due to that fucking asshole, ended on the highest note possible to ever be sung.

I bonded with my momma.

I schlepped my ass down to Deleware, prepared for this weekend to be another sparring contest of wills between me and my mom, but it...it was the exact opposite. I have never gotten along with my mom so well in my life! I saw what she has done with her new house (which is just fabulous, let me tell you) and we traveled all over the place shopping and chit chatting...picking out stuff for my new place and finally discussing what really went down with asshole and the whole break up...or at least the bull shit reason he gave me...and I confessed to my mom that she shouldn't hold her breath for me and him to be back together. I had started tearing up when I was telling her about Claudie and I felt so stupid because I had only really had one day with her...but it was such a good day...and I had already fallen in love with her from his stories and I had started to think of her as my step daughter. I had ideas of things we could do...I wanted to learn sign so he wouldn't always have to be around and we could have girl talk and mother-daughter outtings. I had started to feel the maternal urges pace inside...knowing Claudie was going to be a part of the package filled me with more happiness and expectation than I could ever explain. And now that's all gone.

When I told her about Claudie, she said I never knew what might happen...I might be the only person out of all of this that she might really miss and really need and one day she just might come to me on her own. I doubt that she will remember me...but it was a nice thought anyway.

I also finally told her my real view of marriage, of how it is all just a trap and a sham because you can not trust a man to always be there. Men leave. Men lie. Men cheat. Men hit. What the fuck do you need a piece of paper and a ceromony to bind you to something like that for anyway? What does it prove? Who is it for? Parents? Friends? Religion? Fear?

I have always felt this way about mariage and I truly never thought I would want it, but I did with him. I let down the wall and he strolled in and show me pictures of things I never thought possible. He gave me the hope for a life I never dreamed would be possible for me...and then he erased me out of the picture.

My mom seemed really hurt when I told her that I only wanted to have a child and I didn't want to get married...that more than likely I will never get married because my issues with men and love are so severe that I will never venture as far as I did with asshole with anyone else. I believed in something and look where it got me...heartbroken and even more disillsioned than I was before.

The point is...that I was finally able to say these things to my mom. I wasn't her naive little girl this weekend...I was a determined woman that knew what she wanted and could stand firm by her convictions. She could see I was hurting over him, but she didn't mention it. She could see the tears in my eyes as I talked about my no account father and the other ment that have breezed through our lives, but she didn't attack that. And even when I told her I wanted to have a baby and raise it on my own, she didn't exactly encourage me...but said that I never knew what might happen, but either way...she supported me. I've never been happier.

Saturday night we pigged out on pizza around midnight and I slept in her huge bed next to her. The sheets smelled like my momma...that mix of perfume and lotion she puts on before bed and I laid there watching her sleep. I don't ever remember sleeping in the same bed as my mom, and I have a long memory. I felt so safe with her...and sad at the same time. She's always so sickly and tired. If I ever lost my mom I would completely fucking lose my mind. We have been through so much bullshit, and though not all of it can be completely forgiven, I can move past it and work towards us being like the moms and daughters that are more like girlfriends than anything else. I can't believe we are finally moving towards that...towards peace.

This weekend was the best weekend of my life.

I have bonded with my momma.

I can finally let go of the anger and believe that she really does love me even though she has a really odd way of going about it...then again...how many logical moms do you know?

I love you, Momma.