blind
2003-06-21 � 2:29 p.m.

Mood-blue

Sullen Girl-Fiona Apple

"There are few things worse than watching a person walk away after they have left you...watching the space expand as they get smaller and smaller...and then there's nothing else left but the silence." Someone Like You

I woke up this morning feeling so completely sad and bitter and regretful, that I burst into tears at least three times as I showered and dressed for work. The "tone" is back.

I called to speak to Jenny yesterday and by accident they put Cowboy on the phone and the tone was back. That I-don't-know-why-you-keep-talking-to-me-because-I-don't-really-like-you-as-anything-anymore tone. He sounded so uncomfortable and so out of place again. I don't know why he is doing this to me. I don't know why he is acting so fucked up towards me. I haven't done anything! Nothing has changed since last Saturday...unless he feels weird about it or something. I don't know. I don't get it. He needs to grow the fuck up. He says one thing and then always does another. I never, never, did anything to him for him to treat me like this...like I don't deserve to live...like I don't exist to him anymore...like WE never existed.

I watched "Someone Like You" last night...or at least I tried to watch it. It used to be one of my favorite movies when I was with him. (Ugh...a song he likes and used to sing for me in the car just came on!!) I felt sorry for the girl, yet I understood her. I knew what it was like to try to figure out why my relationships don't work...looking for that angle, that reason, that answer. But yesterday when it came on and I started watching it...I don't know...I felt surreal. Like that fucking movie was foreshadowing my fate when we were togehter, but my ending will be different. She found love again in the least likely of places, but that won't happen for me. I don't have any places left. I couldn't even watch it. I kept turning away from it, then flicking back like I couldn't resist it. He did this to me. He made me this way. He made me love him when he could have just easily been honest from the start. I hate him just as much as I love him and I feel like I am losing my fucking mind because of it. I hate being this fucking ambiguous...floating between loving him and hating him...feeling like I deserve better and at the same time, feeling like I deserve nothing at all.

Now I'm crying again. Crying for the loss, the lies...for what could have been...for what should be.

I am better than this. I am better than him. He screwed me over but I was still big enough to understand his motives and forgive him and want to be friends...and he treats me like I was the wrong one...like I did something to him and he has to avoid me like the plague out of fear of what I might do to him.

He has deconstructed me to the point that I have no clue how to put the pieces back together again. He walked away with vital parts of me so I could never be whole again...just some broken remnant of the girl that used to exist...used to dream...used to love...used to live to be with him.

He's too much of a child to see what he's done to me or to even care if he could see. He doesn't want to see what he has done.

He doesn't want to see my tears or heartache.

He just doesn't want to see me at all.