the visit
2003-06-19 � 5:55 p.m.

mood-mellow

All About the Benjamins-P. Diddy

"That's not going to last long...it's tough out there...it's hard to find someone you like...even harder to find someone to try to love...he'll be back...soon...once he sees he's not missing anything out there...especially if he really did love you." Jason Evans

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My brother just came up here to my job to pick up some mail that got forwarded to where I am staying. I don't know why, but it always surprises me to hear my brother talk to me like we're on the same level. I mean...he's my little brother...I changed him, fed him, kept him out of trouble, helped him learn about girls...and now he's all grown up, as handsome as he wants to be, acting all responsible and stuff. I am so proud of him.

It's weird, but this jump into maturity for him was caused by...you guessed it...heartbreak. His girlfriend since like forever told him he needed to act straight or get lost, and he reacted a bit too slow to her threat so she told him to get lost. It's bad to say it, but them breaking up was the best thing for him. He was falling into this horrible pattern...he went from my mom babying him to his girl taking care of him, he wasn't really working, not doing anything to secure his future...he was on his way to being like someone he hated, our father...now...now he's going to school, he's not dogging women anymore, he's standing on his own and he is wiser for it all.

He's always been the only one that could make me laugh or that I could bitch to about mom...before Cowboy and other than Cowboy, he is the only man I have ever let know me. Now we can talk about all sorts of things...like our exes...and his advice and insight just knocks me out! When did my little gremlin brother become so smart about love?

Talking to him just helped me feel a bit better about Cowboy. He doesn't really think that we will be back together...and he doesn't really appreciate Cowboy trying to play both ends of the field (i.e. I can't be with you NOW but I will be with you in the END), but he really likes him and understands the reasons for the break up...and even though he doesn't encourage me to wait for Cowboy, he encourages to go ahead and love him...because...he said.."One day you will wake up, and just like that, you will be tired of it all. Tired of waiting for him, tired of listening to him, tired of all the bullshit...tired of loving him...and you will walk away from it all with no regrets because you let it run it's course instead of trying to rush it...and once it's gone...once it's gone it will be gone for good and that's when he'll REALLY realize how much he loves you and needs you and wants to be with you, because he knows how great you are and girls like you are damn near extinct and he will never find anyone even close to filling your absence and it will be too late. You will be strong enough to walk away from it all...and he will regret you and miss you and in his way love you, for the rest of his life. That's just the kind of effect you have on people, big head. Nobody forgets you. You are a fighter...and you need someone to fight to be with you...fight to stay with you, and as much as I like him...he's not a fighter. You deserve someone that will fight whoever or whatever for you...then you will know it's real love."

The immortal words of Darryl Evans, ladies and gentlemen...my brother, my confidant, my inspiration....

my hero.