the not so young and too restless
2003-06-17 � 1:47 p.m.

Mood-pensive

Crazy Right Now-Missy Elliot Version

"I am, and always will be, the one that loved you without limits." Roxanne

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You know...it's kinda weird not being angry with Cowboy anymore. For the past 2 months I was constantly fluctuating between loving and hating him...being pissed at him and needing to be with him...and now...the fluctuating is gone. I have leveled off somehow and am happily drifting along, not really all that concerned with how our story will continue to unfold...just secure in the fact that there is still a story to tell.

I woke up this morning smiling. Imagine that. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest...for the first time ever...I felt totally free. Free from him, from my family, from the invisible restraints I have tied around myself over the years...yup...totally free.

I don't feel this way because he's speaking to me again...no...he doesn't have THAT much over me...I feel free because now I know the truth. Now my eyes are open and I am OK with all that has transpired over the past couple of months...even the baby. There's a reason for everything, and even though I might not be able to see the reason clearly, I know it's there and I have to accept it or I will go crazy.

I have decided not to tell him about the baby. Yet...when I talked to him the other day, I told him about this place like a dumb ass so he might have read it already. Hmmmmm.....it WAS kinda stupid to tell him to come here...but knowing him, he didn't come here then and he has forgotten my name here so he wouldn't know how to find me. So for now...it's still safe. But I will put in an entry to him explaining why I didn't want to tell him. I think it would be bad now anyway, with all the trouble he is having with his daughter. I know he probably feels more than partly responsible, even though it's not his fault. My heart goes out to both of them and I wish there was a way I could help them, but I can't. I don't think he would want my help with this anyway, and I hate Das Bitch with a passion just as she hates me, so I know she wouldn't want me involved. If she hadn't been being so damn selfish and acted like a real mom instead of using her daughter as some plaything or pawn against Cowboy then it wouldn't be this bad. I hate moms like that. Let me stop talking about her because I am really starting to get pissed. Man...I hope he isn't fucking her...

Nevermind....

So my ex married guy called me out of the blue yesterday. Now, years ago I fell for him after I decided Swiz was a no go...and it wasn't until I was totally crazy about him that I found out he was married. By that time I didn't care though. I just had to have him. We never fully consumated our lust...came close a few times...but no cigar. There were always interruptions or something would come up. I told him about my place and the first thing he said was "Forreal? Damn...you will be like 5 minutes away from my job. Hmmmmm." And I was like yeah...he gets off (no pun intended) at nine and I should be getting home everynight around 8:30....good timing...

Then he said he wanted to be the first person I invited over...so we could...christen my place. OK...I haven't seen him in like damn near a year...he always does this...he always thinks we can just "pick up" from where we left off...and I can never do it...at least...not as quickly as he can. The attraction is there...whew...is it ever...but I can't just hop in the sack with him...can I?

Oddly enough...after I talked to him I thought of Swiz and I really wanted to call him, but I didn't. I couldn't figure out why I wanted to call him so badly all of the sudden, so I decided it wouldn't be a good idea.

Nothing I think about including Swiz is a good idea.

I kinda was hoping that Cowboy would help me christen my place. It would be like him marking his territory really...I mean...I'm sure I can handle sleeping with him...as long as he doesn't stay and I don't SLEEP with him. I miss sex with him. Nah...I just miss US.

So...I am pondering having sex with my married guy...breaking up Swiz's relationship so I can have him to myself (until Cowboy comes back...if he does), and working on becoming one of my ex fiance's fuck buddies.

Now I remember why I hate being single.

I only want to be with men I can't have, and if they ever approach the subject of sex I always shy away at the last minute.

Damn...I am only happy if I'm miserable after all, because these scenarios all have a great possibility of ending horribly...and knowing that just turns me on even more.

I need help.