cock tales
2003-06-16 � 7:17 p.m.

All I Need- Method Man

Mood-thoughtful

"I was walking on air...now I'm walking on feathers on pillows on air." Roxanne

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What's worse than waking up half dressed sprawled out on the floor with a knocking ass headache and the taste of Cuervo and Cowboy on your tongue?

I'll tell you....

Abruptly waking up half dressed sprawled out on the floor with a knocking ass headache and the taste of Cuervo and Cowboy on your tongue due to a frantic phone call from his ex-ex telling him she woke up and their daughter was missing on Father's Day.

Need me to back up?

Gladly.

So I told you how me and the Cowboy had a long ass talk on Saturday...letting it all hang out and the truth finally spilling out. I was a bit pissed that it took him this long to tell me...but after he explained why...I understood. It seems like we were ALL wrong as to the reason of the break up. It's simple really. He went from being a kid, to being a father and settling down with a girl that turned into a miserable, materialistic bitch with a family that treated him more like a feild hand than their daughter's fiance' (or whatever), to being single a little while (not too long) to being with me and settling down with me.

He just needed time to be single as an adult.

See...I told you...simple.

He couldn't tell me because he knows my history with men and he didn't want to be just another asshole that left me and broke my heart. He said it had nothing to do with me, honest, and he just needed to be free. Now I know what he meant by alone. He meant no responsibility...in other words...to be able to go out and fuck whoever he wanted when he wanted, not answer to anybody if he wanted to blow his entire check on bullshit, not have to worry about anyone's feelings getting hurt. Which is cool. I understand that. One thing I hate though...is when he won't tell me we're over for good. He doesn't know if it will be 5 years or 5 months, but right now, he still see's our future as being there. It's kinda unfair for him to say that to me...I feel like it's not going to happen. After talking to him...I think he will find better. And I'm going to be the friend that gets to stand by and hate her and secretly hate him and wish them both a very painful and tragic end.

Shit...did I write that out loud?

Anyway...I invited him out to the Coastline...and I just realized...the whole time we were out...and back at his house...and the next day...I didn't really look at him. Don't get me wrong...the night started out great. We had jokes and we were chit chatting in the car...but I couldn't bring myself to look at him fully. Glimpses or peices of him, yeah...but not full in the face. Hmmmm....I gotta think about that.

So we get there and slam right into drinking. Still having fun. Still cool. He goes out to dance...no problem. I even try to hook him up with this chick...whole time I'm cool. Around the 9th drink...it started to close in on me...the jealousy monster was right on my ass...but I fought him off cool. Even with my girl Leenie making commments and asking questions I was still cool. Then she said something out of left feild about me and him getting together and having a bunch of babies and then I almost lost it. Yeah...my body chose that time to grieve. I held it in pretty good...then I blurted out for her to stop because I just lost our baby and then she went into this whole speech about how I could NEVER tell him because he might resent ME for it...for whatever reason, and then the night sucked. She had me crying at the bar. And he saw it but he didn't know the reason and I just hope to God he doesn't think it was over him or the dogs he was talking to.

So we leave...after about 19 drinks...yeah I count my drinks...and we were having so much fun on the ride home...fucking around and yelling out the window and I can't remember what the hell was so funny, but I was laughing my ass off. So we get to his place, and my boy Kye (whose ass is as good as kicked) stood me up. I waited for a few minutes for him to call and Cowboy waited with me...joking around. Then he invited me in to see a movie we had wanted to see when we were US...The Transporter...so I'm all like alright. But as we're getting out of the car, he looks at the clock on the dash and looks at me and says "Hey...look at the time...it's tomorrow...happy anniversary Bonnie." and he smiled at me. I was so shocked. I was like you remembered? and he was like of course I remember...how could I forget today? And I wanted to melt...to hug him and kiss his cheek and just...I don't know...fall into the moment...but instead we stumbled out of the car and into the house.

Let me skip to the good part.

So we're in his room...drunk as shit...still giggling...and he was like I have to admit...I miss your back rubs so much...can you rub and scratch my back for me? (OK...real quick...this is not a come on...he's like a giant cat I swear!) So I rub him a bit before I'm like whoa...I ain't your girl anymore...you lose this privilage, and start laughing. He was like damn...I know. But he flipped over on his back and looked at me in that way he KNOWS used to drive me crazy and was like...you wanna massage this for me with your tongue? I just grinned at him and was like what makes you think you can get that and he was like because you know you want to do it. Okay...being with him gave me some kind of fetish for gobbies and I was drunk enough that I REALLY REALLY wanted to do it for some reason...so...well I did. And then he laid down next to me on the floor and fell asleep and I did the dumbest thing. I started crying. I don't even know why. I just whispered I love you into the nothingness and started crying. I didn't realize how much I actually missed him. It was suffocating to be right next to him and still be missing him. I should really stop drinking.

Then I wake up to him like smacking me awake because Das Bitch had called and when she woke up, their daughter was gone. She has been more and more unruly lately. She's only seven, but the past 2 weeks she's been doing things like just up and leaving and going with this strange ass family down the street that just takes her wherever they go. Very not cool.

So I wake up and take him over with no problem. I adore his daughter. I was actually looking forward to us being a family. She is such a sweetie and so damn cute!! Anyway, we were both ranting on the way over there, not looking at each other and not saying anything about what had happened. I drop him off and he gives me the saddest look...like he didn't know what to say...so he just says Thanks..for everything, Thea and I kinda smile at him and nod as he gets out of the car. And that was that.

I called him later and asked how it all went and he said not too well...they might have to take her to counseling...and I could hear the saddness in his voice so I tried to joke a bit...but I also didn't want to keep him on the phone...so we awkwardly said goodbye...and that's all I have to say about that.

Now I'm wondering if I can really handle just being his friend...but who knows...we might just be fuck buddies or something...I don't know. And really...since this morning after all of the awkwardness wore off...I'm not really that worried about it at all.

It's just nice to have him back in my life...however he needs to be...and even though I know it will be a long time before I fall out of love with him...IF I ever fall out of love with him...it's good to know that he's along for the ride...and he did love me.

He wasn't a chimera after all.

God...

I can't help but love him.