beschert-soul mate in love
2003-06-13 � 2:08 p.m.

Here with me-Dido

Mood-sullen

"Death can not stop true love. It can only delay it for a little while." The Princess Bride

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I went out with Jack and Jane last night to grab some eats at the diner. It was cool hanging with Jane again...the terrible trio. Sad thing is, that even though we went out to have fun, the only thing me and Jack had to talk about was work. We bitched about work for an hour and a half, completely boring poor Jane, who barely had anything to add to the conversation since she doesn't work there anymore. I hate that...the fact that my job consumes me sometimes...where I have no other way to relate to my co workers(besides Jack and Bunny) other than bitching about work. It's nothing more than another wall to hide behind so that none of us really fully see the other people...so it's easier for us to fuck each other over when the time comes...and the time always comes...no matter how much you might like someone.

Money makes the world go round.

So after we ate and Jack headed home, Jane and I sat out in the car and poured out our woes. Jane, by the way, is Cowboy's best friend...the one that introduced us. I really wanted to connect with her again, because just like everyone else, our friendship fell to the wayside while I was with him...mainly because I never wanted her to be pulled into the middle of anything. I don't know...I do shit ass backwards sometimes. I could have handled all of our mutual friendships better while we were together, that way I wouldn't be going out of my way now to let them all know it's alright...we broke up...you can both of our friends....I'm still your girl...you don't have to lie or choose. It's like splitting assests really...because actually...besides him, the only things I have of any value are our friends. I've given up on him...but I'll be damned if I let them go without a fight.

Anyway, Jane is cool as hell. Always been a bit wacky...but I like that about her. She says whatever pops into her head and doesn't give a fuck about how it might sound. That takes guts. Before I thought it took insanity, but I came to realize that it takes a really brave person to say and do whatever they feel...no matter what people might think. And the bitch is talented as hell with her computer design and graphics shit.

I will not splay out Jane's love life here, but we did talk about some things and it made me feel good that she still felt like she could talk to me about stuff. And of course, we talked about him. She didn't say much, which was cool because she never did get in the middle of our affairs, but she did say something that put me off. I had said that the main reason that I knew we would never be bcak together was because I knew he didn't have the capacity to come back to someone. He wouldn't know how to give chase. And she was like no...she believed that if he really loved someone, he would have the capacity to come back...then she was like yeah...not to gas you up, but he would have the capacity to come back to you. Then we talked about some other things, vaguely on her hand of course, but explicit on my end, and she mentioned she didn't think he left me to sleep with other chicks and that he said he still loves me but he needed to get himself together so he could be the man I deserved.

OK...I really didn't need to hear that...not right now...not when I am supposed to see him probably some time this weekend...no, no, no, no, no....fuck...not right now...

I don't want to believe he really loves me...that he is doing this so we will have a good future...no...no, no, no...

And I told her about the baby, like an ass...I don't think she really got what I was saying because she didn't really react to it...but I told her he doesn't know because I didn't know until it happened and I wasn't sure if I was going to tell him or not. I don't remember if she commented or not...I think I quickly changed the subject anyway.

I went in for the procedure this morning. Weirdest thing I ever felt in my life. It was like the life was being sucked out of me. Literally. So now it's all over.

It never happened.

I can't keep my mind still...I keep thinking of him and the future we wanted...a future I will never be able to have with anyone else because it is only possible with him...and I know that what happened with the baby was for the best...everything happens for a reason...and...for the first time...I really feel like I can let him go...because...

because I know...

somehow...I just know...

that one day he will come back to me.

We are meant for each other...

he is my Beschert.