secret wishes
2003-06-12 � 6:29 p.m.

Mood-mellow I guess

You oughta know-Alanis Morrisette

"Nothing is ever for sure. That's the only thing I know for sure." A Beautiful Mind

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I called him and told him about the calls I have been getting from one of his fuck buddies. Since like 2 days after we broke up, some bitch has been calling me and telling me how she's fucking my man...been fucking my man the whole time and I need to leave him alone because he loves her and he's never coming back to me. At first I thought it was one of my ex's or my jealous "friends" calling me to try to put the nail in the coffin of our deceased relationship, but it's not. It's someone he knows...someone that knows US...

He was just as shocked as I was when I was when I first started getting the calls. Then he got really pissed off and upset about it. I don't know who this bitch is, but I swear to God, if I ever find out, I am going to go the fuck to jail. I will beat that bitch within an inch of her life. Not because of him...but because she is straight disrespecting me right now and being a punk ass about it.

I hate bitches like that.

Anyway...I told him I know what's up and that we are NEVER in this lifetime going to be together again. He sounded kinda sad, but he didn't disagree. Part of me wanted him to disagree...to say...I don't know...something...anything to the contrary...but he didn't. I think he knows he blew it. He knows I'm gone.

He agreed that we should meet one last time to bury it all for good...to just let it die with dignity and get all of the words out that we haven't been able to say. I don't know yet if I will tell him about the baby...but I just might. Let it all die together...so I can pretend like none of it happened at all.

At all, at all, at all.....

Speaking of the baby...yes...I did find out it was a baby...I went to the clinic this morning and more than that, I have to go back tomorrow morning for a D&C procedure to scrape the residue.

Don't we have fun my baby...don't we have fun...

I'm kinda looking forward to seeing him...to hearing his voice and smelling his colonge...to look into his beautiful lying face...have one last mental picture to store away forever in the hidden chambers of my heart...next to my dreams...next to my surrealism...

I wish things could have turned out better.

I wish I hadn't been so afraid and fucked up in the head.

I wish YOU hadn't been so afraid and fucked up in the head.

I wish I didn't love you as much as I did...well...do.

I wish you loved me as much as I loved...love...you.

I wish I loved myself enough not to miss you, regret you, want you, or need you.

I wish our baby was still growing and alive.

I wish we still had a future as an US.

Fuck...

I wish I had never met you....

at all...

at all...

at...all.