to baby or not to baby
2003-06-11 � 5:33 p.m.
Stupid Girl-Coldplay
Mood-auspicious
"You know that place between sleep and awake...that place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you...that's where I'll be waiting for you." Hook
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I have never been the type of person that likes the unknown. You know the type...when they like it when they don't know what's going to happen next or they like the fact that they don't know the whole story or if it's the real thing...you know...the type of person that sees life like a midnight roller coaster ride with broken lights so you can't see what's coming up next...they just enjoy the ride.
I can't do that. Hell, I can't stand roller coasters to be honest.
For life in general I can deal with the chess analogy, because that is exactly what life is to me...think before you move and that sudden death can be the next move coming from your opposition. See, I'm not saying that I need to have my entire life mapped out...just my next move...so I can knock the opposition off balance. So I can stay in the game as long as possible.
I don't know what my next move should be. I know I should go to the doctor to see if I was in fact pregnant and lost it, or if I have a whole mess of different problems that I need to address to make sure that kids will STILL be possible in the future. I don't want to go to the doctor. I hate doctors. As far as I can tell, anything he tells me will be bad...he will either say "Yes, you were pregnant." or "No, you weren't, and these are the only things that could cause that to happen...and none of then have a positive outcome for future children."
That would so suck rank ass, I can't even to begin to describe how fucked up I would be.
All I ever wanted was to have a baby...be a mom...have someone to love unconditionally and unabashedly...no shame in loving your children beyond words or explainations...to just be totally free to love someone that you helped bring into this world...your own miracle.
*sigh*
Something all my own.
I don't want to believe I lost my baby...OUR baby...I don't want to think of the possiblity of never being able to conceive...if I couldn't have a baby...then...I would have no purpose of being on this earth...I...my life...would all have been for nothing if it's not to have a baby.
And I don't know if I should tell him. I don't want him to feel like he has to come back to me just because of that...relationships like that never work out...you just end up resenting each other in the end. And I don't want to tell him and then he gets worse with this downward spiral and then really does something harmful to himself or his future. Worse than that, I don't want to tell him and he not care at all. I would want to die if he didn't care that I lost our baby or might not be able to have one.
I would fucking kill him if he didn't care about it at all. I would seriously want to kill his ass.
So what do I do? Only Bunny and Jenny know and both of them tell me to go to the doctor, and they both say it sounds like I did miscarry. I try not to think about it. I haven't cried yet...haven't flipped out yet...and I am truly afraid of how I will react if I do let myself realize what happened...to believe in it...no...can't do it, can't do it, can't do it...
The part that's really eating at me is that I can't tell anyone...well...I don't want to tell anyone...and I have to come to work and talk to people like nothing's wrong...nothing has happened...
It was just another delusion.
I have to fight my better sense not to tell him...not to give in to the temptation of telling everyone so they would all just leave me alone...so I wouldn't have to pretend any of it away and I could just be scared or grieve in my own way without worrying about how people will look at me or "see" me.
I think I will go to a doctor so I can know what the hell happened and what is going on.
I don't want to lie to myself anymore.
Please don't let the next thing I hear be "Check Mate."
Please God, please...don't take ALL my dreams away from me...
Please let me stay in the game.