but I digress....
2003-06-10 � 5:06 p.m.

Mood-Up and down

Ugly-Staind

"There are only two tragedies in life: not getting what one wants, and the other one is getting it." Oscar Wilde

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I hate not having anything to do with my life right now. And I don't mean the minutes...the lag time...I mean I don't know what to do with my LIFE right now. I don't know which way to go...what I should be planning...what I should be looking forward to...because in reality...I have nothing.

He took everything.

He just packed up his shit...his life, his promises, our dreams, our future, my hope, my life...and jumped fucking ship and never even looked back. No apologies, no regrets...no explainations. He just left me here spinning like a broken compass trying to find my true North. I thought he was my North...I thought we were the only ones in the world that could show each other the way when we got lost. I was wrong.

I'm the only one lost and he isn't even trying to show me the way.

I talked to his best friend the other day, Jane, and she told me it didn't have anything to do with me. He was self destructing again...and he put me away from him to keep me from getting hurt. He's not calling me because he doesn't want to talk to anyone that can help him, and that's why he hasn't even talked to her. He is trying to find a way to destroy his life because he was happy.

I made him happy and it's destroying him.

So now I don't know how to feel about him. I mean...I was doing good...I had went through the gambit of grief we go through when something or someone dies...

Depression

Denial

Anger

Accepetance.

I was cruise controlling my way to acceptance, letting the anger go, not caring about it anymore...then I talk to her...and now I'm confused again. Now I'm back to being depressed. Now I'm back to really missing him. Now I sit and hope he isn't out there doing anything stupid or dangerous, because even though I know it was not Jane's intent to do this, she gave me back my little ball of hope that had bounced away from me. I don't want him to do anything that might keep him from someday coming back to me. I can't believe I just said that out loud. Oh my God...it had been rolling around in my head, confused and convoluted, and it wasn't until just now that it really became clear. With everything that is going on and how we ended it and all that bullshit, I can't fucking believe that I'm still crazy in love with him.

I can't believe I'm still hoping for him to come back to me.

I know I make it sound like he's been gone for like ever, but the problem is...this is so unlike me. I don't look back....I don't regret...I might sorta miss someone, but not like this...especially not when they hurt me. Not when they leave me or lie to me. Every bad thing he has done to me would make me hate the average person, but...it makes me love him more. I'm making excuses for him...trying to look at the whole situation, trying to understand his motives or thoughts...and...I don't understand it.

I'm losing myself inside of him and he doesn't even want to be with me.

What the hell is that? I mean, it might be because of what happened to me this weekend, on top of Jane's input, along with missing my family and being bored out of my mind...you know...it might be...it is possible.

I just really don't understand how it's possible to be in love with someone that seemingly doesn't give a fuck about whether I live or die. Baby or no baby, I don't see how I can still admit to myself that I love someone so selfish and hateful and spiteful towards me when I never did anything but love him and try to be happy with him. I don't get it.

I dont't know what even to endeaver to do with my life anymore now that he's gone...maybe because it's NOT MY LIFE anymore...

my heart, body, mind, and soul already belong to him....

why would my life be any different?