the air hockey queen
2003-06-06 � 4:27 p.m.

Mood-drowsey and hung over

Happiness- Nine Inch Nails

"When I got into the accident and stepped out of the car, the first thing that came to my mind was that I had to call you...I kept trying your number and getting more and more upset because you didn't answer. Now I realize I was calling your old number. But it was weird...I could have died and instead of calling Ryan or my mom, the first and only person I wanted to talk to was you, and I don't know why. Isn't that weird?" M. Gallo 6-4-03

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So we went out for our first monthly office party last night. We went to a bowling alley and pool hall. Okay...honestly, I thought it was going to suck ass big time, but I had the most fun I have had in a long time. I kicked everyone's ass in air hockey! I even had a line of people waiting to battle. Childish aspiration, I know, but hey...it's all I got.

Dude...I got way drunker than I should be allowed to get in public, and I kept getting looks because of the way I was puffing on my cigar (the president of the company just had a baby) Chuck said I looked like a voodoo queen that knew everything and could beat anyone in anything...except air hockey (he uh...cheated...and was able to beat me once....but he wouldn't rematch so it doesn't count to me!!) And Bunny got smashed too. It was fun hanging out with the gang here...getting lit the hell up, choking on cigars and playing pool quite badly...but with great style.

I had forgotten what it was like to go out and just have fun with people. Cowboy and I never really went out, and because my money was jacked up, I never really went anywhere with my friends. It was great. I felt like I was back in college...I felt human again.

In my drunken stuper, I called Swiz up and apologized on his machine about the little confession I blurted out last time we had hung out. I had admitted to having a huge crush on him...the first adult crush I ever had...and that I still liked him but could accept that we are only friends. I like being his friend. He's a great guy...and a really good kisser. Okay...so after the confession we made out in my car in front of the diner after the bar had closed down.

It's bad....I know...because at that time I was melancholy over jerk boy and he lives with his girlfriend of two years who is going to be a lawyer. Yeah...lawyer. I don't have a chance in hell. But I really am not thinking about that. I just like being around him. He makes me laugh like it's going out of style. But I still felt bad though...because I had kept him out til 5am...and...well...he had said something and it just keeps rolling around in my head before I drift off to sleep at night. He had kept saying he was sorry so I asked him why. He said he knows it was wrong and he should feel guilty, but he was sorry. So I was like why? And he said he was sorry because he DIDN'T feel guilty and it didn't feel wrong. He said in fact it just feels good...it feels right...too right, and he doesn't understand that so he was sorry, he guessed, for not feeling sorry at all.

A bit convoluted, I know, but keep in mind we were both a bit tipsy. I understand it though...I know what he meant.

And that's the part that really caught me off guard.

It felt too right for me also...

and I'm not sorry for one second of it either.

So what does that mean?