deceiver
2003-06-05 � 5:19 p.m.

Revolution-Aimee Mann

Mood---transcendental

"Colors will never blind you, nor will pretty shiny things, as long as you remember that mistakes will be made and you should always take joy in the little things."

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Have you ever anticipated something? I mean...really anticipated something? That can't eat, can't sleep, can't concentrate, sick to your stomach kind of anticipation? I did. At least...I thought I was anticipating something...but now that's it's happened...I realize I wasn't waiting for it at all.

He finally called me back this morning. Mind you, we are supposed to still be "friends" but he conveniently does not answer his phone when I call, and somehow forgets to respond to the voicemails I left. I wasn't stalking or anything. We broke up 5-18 and I've called him three times since then, but this time, he called me back. And you know what?

I don't care.

I wasn't excited to hear from him at all. Not happy to hear his voice...not really all that concerned with what is going on in his life because he didn't say anything consequential. Any answer he gave was vague and non commital, but he says he needed this time to get himself together and I make him too "emotional" and that he can't put a time frame on it but we will be together again one day, but until then he wants us to be friends.

It's all a lie...the break up...it was all a lie.

He wanted to fuck other women.

He thinks that I don't know this, but I do. My friend told me he saw him riding in the car with some chick and she kissed him. He described the girl and where they were at and I knew who it was. It was his ex. He's fucking his dope fiend ex girlfriend and has probably been fucking her all along. But I don't care anymore. He lied to me one too many times, and he does it flawlessly...effortlessly. He told me point blank the break up had nothing to do with her, and now he's fucking her. And when I asked him if he had had sex with other women he said there was one...once...but not the ex.

But I don't care.

I'm not being flippant about it either. I just don't care. I don't feel anything. It was a lie after all...I'm not crazy...I was right all along. All I feel is vindication...not even sorrow or loss. I don't know who this guy is now...but he is not the guy I met and fell for. He's totally different...and for him to lie to me...and say that we are still going to have a future...not answer any of my questions about us...to not even pretend to care or bother to let me go...that is just...just so egotistical and narcissitic of him to think that lowly of me. To think that I am really that gullible or that desperate for him...I...I really have no words for the contempt I feel.

Maybe I am insane...because the man I love...the man I would die for...walk through hell and disregard heaven for...doesn't even exist. He may have never existed.

Part of me doesn't want to believe that, though. Part of me thinks that he didn't cheat on me while we were together and now he is just lost...that he got scared and did what he always does...run away. I think he sabotaged himself and he knows it. I am not a super model or thin...I don't take it up the ass and I have trust issues...but I know one thing...I loved him better than anyone will ever love him in his life because I took the time to get to know him and I respected his mind and chaos, and I admired him for what he was able to do and for everything he wanted to aspire to be. I didn't love him for sex or money or any other reason except...when I looked at him, I saw he was a broken boy of a man, lost but finding his direction, a great father and freakishly deviant and intelligent but naive at the same time. And he tried so hard for no one to see that...but I did. When I looked at him, I saw his soul...no matter how hard he tried to hide it...and it was beautiful. He was just too self destructive to let me love him...to let real love in...love that was so easy and carefree...no...in the end he didn't understand that and couldn't comprehend how it could be so easy when all he ever knew was drama. He never thought he really deserved to be loved, and he always punishes himself for it.

He lives for chaos while I only seek peace...and in the end, he condems me for understanding that about him and loving him still.

In the end, he is the one that will suffer, not me. I did my part. I opened myself up in ways I never even knew was possible and I loved him...in spite of all the bullshit I went through in my life I loved him with all my being and I even did the impossible...I believed in something. I believed in him...in us...he gave me hope.

When all is said and done he WILL miss me and he WILL regret me...even if he doesn't realize that now. He will never find someone else to love him with the capacity I have to love him, and he knows that. One night, he will wake up screaming from dreams and cry himself sick because I'm not there to make the pain go away. He won't know what to do and will want to die because I am not there to make everything all better anymore.

Maybe in time I will forgive him. Maybe he is right...maybe if enough time goes past and he comes back at me the right way and he has his shit together...maybe...maybe the fates aren't through with the dramedy known as US just yet...but as of right now...the play is over...

Then again...I have always been confused by the end and the intermission.

To be honest, I know somewhere inside I still love him...will probably always love him in some way. I mean...how could I not love him? He gave me dreams. He was my love...my Clyde...my best friend...and I just can't erase that all away...even if he is a liar and maybe a cheat...he still had his good points. I just dont't care about him right now. Right now he's just the latest asshole to wreck my life and break my heart. He fed me lies and I revered them as commandments from the mountain high.

He lied to me...it was all a lie.

But it was the most beautiful and complete lie ever created...so convincing that he even believed it...

For a short time.