wake up call
2003-06-04 � 5:56 p.m.
Rape Me-Nirvana
Mood-unbelievably pissed off
"Dreams come true, not free." Dawson's Creek
**************************************
So...you want to know something? I don't like liars. I FUCKING HATE LIARS!!! I can not stand for someone to look you in the face and point blank lie to you when they have no reason at all to lie to you. What the fuck do you have to lie for? Have I ever given you any reason to lie to me? Can the truth really be that horrible that you must lie to me to protect my head from exploding? Is that what it is? You have to lie to me to protect me? So I guess that means you are doing it out of love right? You're breaking my heart and deluding me...killing me with your so called compensatory fallacy because you love me soooooooo much?
Oh...well that's different.
That makes it all better.
As long as you love me...a lie is alright...
unless...
you loving me is the lie.
Hmmmmm....kinda makes me wonder....
What other lies have been told? Do you even know the difference between a lie and the truth...or does it all just blur for you and the lies you tell really are the truth...to you?
I have been deceived, ladies and gentlemen. I've been had. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Led astray. Run amok.
In other words....FUCKED OVER.
SO what do you when things you beleive in have been proven false? Disheartened and disillusioned...where do you go from here?
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore....
except...
fuck all this melancholy, second guessing, low self esteem bullshit I have been going through!!! No one is worth this...NO ONE...
Yeah...I still love him...but now it's being overtaken by some new emotion...because you know...right now...I don't give a fuck about him...I don't give a fuck about no one right now except for myself, and you know why?
BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO FUCKING SHORT FOR THIS BULLSHIT.
I could have lost a friend today, my Jack (I'm Karen...Will and Grace reference...keep up) and do you know what he told me? When it happened, he didn't want to call his mom, or his partner...or anyone else in the world but me. He wanted ME. He needed ME. That alone speaks volumes. That was the wake up call I needed. That pulled me out of my self depreciating funk and back into my life. I am somebody special to a few people...even if I'm nothing to him, there are others out there that look out for me and love me and admire me for whatever mysterious reason has moved them to do so...and I have neglected them...I have been so wrapped up in this bullshit...this lie...that I didn't see what was real.
I didn't see WHO was real and who wasn't.
But I see it now.
I have to get a grip on this...get a grip on my life...let go of the rest of this non consequential bullshit I have been swimming in.
Whatever will happen in this huge chess game called life will fucking happen...no matter what...and there's no way to stop it or truly be prepared for it. You just can't wait around for outside forces in order for your life to begin (a epiphany that came to me while speaking to Bunny yesterday about love).
You can't wait for someone else to make you happy or complete you...no matter what Jerry MaGuire says.
This is what I have learned today...
Liars lie for the sake of love, as lovers lie to save me from them...but true love...comes in various forms and from the most ususpected sources...
True love, whether platonic or sexual...true love has the power to obliterate the lies.
Ladies and gentlemen...self delusion has left the building!!
I am awake now.