chew on this...
2003-06-03 � 7:38 p.m.

Lying away from you- Linkin Park

Mood-supressed

"You have to get through the bitter to appreciate the sweet even more." Vanilla Sky

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I saw A Beautiful Mind last night. I cried at the end like a fucking baby. I so wanted him to get the award...and to beat the disease...but at the same time...I didn't want his fantasy "friends" to go away either. I figured that the government guy was a delusion, but I never thought that his room mate was fake too...I was almost afraid that his wife wasn't there either. But she stuck by his crazy ass...loving him like it was the most natural thing in the world. And you know what? Yup...you guessed it...it got me to thinking. Between this movie and Vanilla Sky (which I also just saw for the first time the other night...and it is awesome) I have this nutty ass notion rolling around in my head and I can't make it go away...

Was Cowboy real or was he just my imagination?

Let's recap....I haven't heard from him, I don't see him, he never really met any of my friends...he met my family, but they never say anything much about him...plus...they could be speaking about someone totally different...it's not like they pay attention to my friends' names anyway. Could he be a figment of my inmagination? Was the past year real or was I so lonely and depressed that I made some guy up in my mind?

Ever heard of a chimera? A chimera is a figment given life because you believe in it...but once someone else sees it...it disappears. It no longer exists.

I told everyone that he was the man I wanted to marry and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and have a tribe of his babies. I made him real when I did that. He was no longer just mine...he belonged to everyone I told about him that cared about me. Once I made him real to them, he was gone.

And everything seems like it was all a dream and too good to be true...the way we got along...had similar interests...the way we could make each other laugh...the way we just...loved each other like we had never loved before...it seemed like we had known each other all of our lives...

Now he's gone, and I can't remember what my life was like before he came, but every day that passes, I find it harder to remember him too. His face, his smile, his smell, his voice...it's all starting to blur...the same way a really good dream blurs when you try to remember it exactly so you can dream it again the next night.

So I ask...was he for real...or was he memorex?

A compilation of all of my childhood dreams and secret wishes that I kept close to my heart that manifested into form because a year ago, I wanted to do nothing more than die as quickly and as horrifically as possible. Maybe my mind made him real to give me a purpose...to keep me company...because...because a man like him can't really exist (at least not for girls like me) and a love like that can't really exist (at least not for girls like me). It wasn't real...no...it wasn't real at all. Maybe that's why people look at me like I'm fucking crazy when I start to cry whenever I talk about him....

tsk tsk tsk...poor girl done lost it over her imaginary bunny friend...such a shame...

See...if I keep telling myself he isn't real then I don't feel as foolish. Crazy maybe...but not foolish. I mean..if I'm crazy, and he doesn't exist, then he didn't leave me after all. My mind just woke itself up and now he's gone. He didn't choose to leave me...I chose to leave him!

It's a shame isn't...how I would rather choose the lable of insanity over rejection.

At least with insanity I have a fucking say in the matter...

Well...when the other voices finally quit their yacking I have a say, at least.

And that's better than nothing.