bored
2003-06-02 � 7:22 p.m.

Try so hard-Linkin Park

Mood-Blah

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My weekend completly sucked ass. I never have anything to do any more. I mean...before I had him, and because I had him I had to sever some of my friendships with my guy friends. I admit, I had to do this not only for the Cowboy, but for my friends also. As always, as soon as I was off the market, all of my "friends" realized that they were in love with me (yeah ok) and to keep from hurting them and disrespecting my man with whatever drama would have inevitably happened, I just backed off and kept to myself. OK...now that he's gone, I don't have anyone to hang out with. My boys are all pissed because I "dissed" them for my man. I mean, come on! What kind of bull shit is that? But I'm not going to sweat it, because deep down I believe I deserve this because I never should have made one man the center of my life...shouldn't have built my life around him and all the future plans we made and hopes and dreams that I knew at the time were too fragile for the light of day. I should have known then...no one is worth all of that. Not even him. Not even then...when I thought he really loved me.

So, now I'm liked bored witless...nothing to do, no where to go, no one to bug out with...nothing. Just sitting at home and staring at the walls...praying for someone to call me or something...needing some kind of diversion to keep my mind off of HIM and everything he took away from me. The bastard!

At least I'm going out with Jenny tomorrow to see X2. It's weird, we became friends because of mutual friends, and now those mutual relationships have all fallen apart and me and Jenny are the only ones standing...caught in the middle of it all and not knowing what to do about it. My ex lives with her...so I can't even chill at her place if I wanted to. Plus, I don't want to crowd her and make her think I'm only hanging with her because she lives with HIM...I became more attatched to her when she proved to be such a good friend through all the breaking up and moving out bullshit drama I was going through. She really is a sweet heart, and I would hate for her to think I'm trying to pump her for info or coming over and spy on him, so I try not to call there too often, and I only stop by when I know he isn't there. It's the old Clark Kent/Superman thing...never in the same place at the same time...how childish is that shit?

Anyway....I need something to do. I want to edit my book but I can only do that at work and that's not when I need something to occupy me. It's the night time...the late night hours...the memory hours...the haunting hours.

Both of our horoscopes coincide with all thats going on...but they seem to be so ambiguous also...it can be taken 2 ways...and I'm wondering...is it possible? I mean...they did predict the break up...so...you never know. But then...I realize I'm just being an idiot, and we are not getting back together and we are not meant to be, and I need to get on with my life and find me a fuck buddy or something to make the time go by.

Yeah...like that's been so fucking helpful in the past.

Ugh...I hate my life.