fear
2003-05-31 � 5:27 p.m.
So yesterday I had a major relapse.
Today I put the deposit down on my apartment...my first place on my own(pathetic I know...going by my age...but with really good reasons...but...hey...what do you care?)and it was a huge sum of money because my credit is ultra fucked due to defaulted student loans. Anyway, as I sat there counting the money I realized something...I am going to be completly on my own! What if I fuck it up? What if I lose my job and can't afford to pay my bills? What if someone breaks into my place and robs me blind? Oh my God....ON MY OWN. Finally. It's so weird, but the notion is no longer appealing to me...it's not the same if he isn't with me...this was our dream together...waking up together, having sex all over the place, having romantic dinners...playing around with the kids...just lounging...just...just doing ordinary in love couple shit...
**sigh**
There won't be any of that. No "Honey I'm home!" called out at the end of the day...no good bye and hello kisses when we leave and come home...no spooning and giggling in the late night hours as we whisper nonsensical plans for the future...
no future...at least not for the entity formerly known as US...
And then I was suddenly missing him so much I couldn't bear it, and I wanted to call him a thousand times but I didn't. Instead I sat there smoking with the cellie next to me...waiting for it to ring. He used to have the most incredible knack of calling me just when I would be thinking of him, when I needed to hear his voice the most. I guess he's lost the knack.
So now I'm afraid...so afraid of this life that I have always wanted and is now coming quickly upon me...complete independance from my family...on my own...no one to blame when shit goes wrong. No one to bother when I get lonely or bored. No more excuses for not doing all the things I want to do. Nothing holding me down. Nothing holding me back.
I will be free to be me without constant scrutiny.
That's why I am so damn afraid...I don't know who I am anymore.
Who am I if I'm not the black sheep of the family? The brooding poet daughter...not pretty enough for numerous dates with amorous beaus...affectionatly called Cinderella by snide relatives...who am I if I'm not the hindered queen of unrequitedness? Who will I be if I don't have to rush home every night and make sure my mom took her medicine and that my dad is okay and ate dinner...if I won't be at anyone's beck and call anymore? Will I even be able to function in a new environment...a clean enviroment...a fresh start to a stagnant life that should have been kickstarted years ago? Rambling again...I know...I have so many thoughts crowding in that I can't even write them down with any clarity because my mind is jumping all over the place.
Who will I be if I'm not the girl he's in love with?
I guess I'll have enough time to stumble my way through all of this when the times comes. I might not really know WHO I am right now, but I have always known WHAT I am...the only thing I could be...
a Survivor...
and nothing but death can take that title away from me.