there is no spoon
2003-05-30 � 1:11 p.m.

Evanescence-My Immortal

Mood-Reflective

"There is no spoon." The Matrix

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I wonder if people ever really think about the power of words. I mean, people say things and I don't think they really think of the ramifications of what they say. I hear some folks talk and they are so obviously using words that they have no clue what they mean, but they heard someone else say it and they liked how it sounded so they try to regurgitate it as much as possible in general conversation. I have always been careful with words. I respect words...adore words...I am a word freak. Ever just read a dictionary or a thesaurus? Geeky as shit, I know, but really quite interesting. A fabo way to expand your vocabulary, and in a way your mind. Take love...there are so many definitions for love...so many synonyms...so many words to project it or express it...it's amazing really. When you read all of them, you realize how many times you misuse the word in every day venacular. Read the synonyms...then look up the meaning of those words and you'll see...you'll feel your respect for that word ascend to a new level and you'll choose the way you use it more carefully, and when you do say it, it will mean so much more to you. Try it...one day when you're bored, or fighting with someone, or missing someone, or wanting someone...look it up and you will see...words...when you know the meaning...words have absolute power, and you will be empowered just by recognizing that and thinking of them before you say them.

I have been sitting here, trying to warp my reality into an alter reality...bending and shaping the way I need to see it just so I can get by...because Neo was right...there is no spoon. We try and try and try to make things happen that can never happen because they do not exist...if we realize that they do not really exist, then there is no more struggle. No more turmoil...your mind is free. But there is the problem...the mind...the mind is a complicated and beautiful thing. If you learn something when you are young, and believe in it all of your life, do you really think it will be that easy to convince yourself it wasn't truly real at all? Do you think you could really handle the fact the the one thing you always held as true was nothing more than a childhood delusion?

So what is my delusion that I am trying so hard to erase?

That love is the only answer.

I never quite grasped what the question was, but I knew the answer was always love. I realize that that can't be true. Love isn't the answer. I loved him more than I loved life itself, and that wasn't the answer. At least not to his questions. It didn't resolve all of his problems...it didn't inspire him to achieve magnificent goals...it didn't make him stay.

I always thought then when I found love, everything broken inside of me would be mysteriously fixed and the hate and anger and fear I have inside of me would be forever erased from my memory, because love...love is the answer...the cure...the lowest common denominator...omnipotent...everlasting...love sets you free.

If love sets you free...then why do I feel like I am in some kind of cage...a 4x4 Skinner box that I can't break free from? I have so much love inside of me...but it's killing me...turning my blood to acid and my mind to mush as I ever so slowly implode a bit each day.

So I have to try to change my reality, unlearn this falacy that I have believed in ever since those damned meddlesome angels whispered it into my dreams when I was a foolish child yearning for things I had yet to understand. I am no longer a child...and I still don't understand...but at least I realize and accept that there are going to be many things in life that I will never be able to understand and there's nothing I can do about it...

Except sit alone and whisper my mantra...

I did nothing wrong.

Love is not the answer.

He is not the answer.

There is no spoon.