ambiguous
2003-05-29 � 1:04 p.m.

You know you're right-Nirvana

~~~The whispered naive dreams we have in adolescence are only to become the contemptible, unspeakable regrets of our adulthood~~~

****The Dark Lord of Legend***

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Have I mentioned that I hate him today? Well I do...I hate that jerk like I hate a fungal virus that itches in the crack of your ass just out of your reach to scratch it...mother fucker.

So I go home last night...feeling kinda good...you know, sometimes you really can find a comfortable spot in complete misery and loneliness, and I flick on the tube and what is on...well...snipets of my so called life that's what!!

I wasn't thinking about him at all...really I wasn't...and then I turned on the series finale of Dawson's Creek (hey don't laugh, I was sucked into that from the first episode with the whole falling in love with your best friend schtick but he doesn't even notice that you're a girl thing) and there it was...the dream about the wedding...and letting Joey go because you know no matter what...you will always be connected...always love each other in that pure obscure way that no one and nothing else can touch...ugh...so I turn...

Ahhh...Sex in the City...sarcasm at it's best...but no....it's the one where Samantha gets back with Richard but having second thoughts, and where Charlotte is afraid that her failed relationship has stolen her hope for finding true love...damn it!!....so I turn again...the sadness creeping in...

Well now...The King and I...the big shall we dance scene when the whole love thing comes to a head and they realize it finally...the dancing breathlessly an obvious metaphor of sex...and then he dies...saying his beautiful words and giving her the ring...his eyes pleading for her to see that he loved her...and her tears screaming she loved him too when she bends to kiss his hand when he's gone...the games we play...the time we waste...why oh why do we torment ourselves with repression when loving someone is so much easier...ok...crying now...need to laugh....need to laugh...need to breathe...

So flicking through I happen upon a movie where the girl is left by her husband and she is chasing him across creation just to find out why...I think it was called Committed...then a movie where a woman walks in on her man and another chick...and then an old episode of the real world where the triangle comes to a head and the women find out that they were being played...

Ok...so now I can't breathe...I go outside and chain smoke 3 in a row...staring at the stars through tears...wondering who is determined to make it so hard for me to forget him and why. He left me....he hurt me...so why am I being further tormented? Why is everything that I see or hear somehow connected to a memory of him...a memory of love? Is he being tortured like this? I mean...is he sitting at home and thinking of me....missing my voice, my laughter, my face, my touch? Is he regretting his desicion but too ashamed to admit it so for some reason the fates are trying to project this revelation to me so I don't give up...don't forget him...but instead try to find a way to understand him and forgive? Man fuck that...why doesn't he call...or text me...or email me...or something?!!? Is it really that easy for him to just walk away from me and never give me a second thought? Are all those secrets and dreams we shared nothing to him? Were all the beautiful words just staged to keep me blind to the truth...that I am nothing to him but a diversion...a plaything...a stooge?

I am so sick of missing him...waiting for him to call...afraid to let someone new in...hating him and loving him with every breath...hating myself because I let him make me into this pathetic mess I have become...loving him for making me realize that I did still have hope and that I really did dream after all...and then hating him for so non chalantly taking them all away...

The fates are having a really hearty laugh at my expense...the bitches.

And what makes it all worse...a million bajillion times worse...is I still harbor that hope inside of me that he created. He asked me to believe in him and for the first time in my life, I believed...and now...now I can't turn it off. He created it...and he will have to destroy it because I can't do it on my own...I just can't...it's...it's all I have left really...

I am such a smacked ass, I am.

So I end this by saying that I love him...love him more than I love anything in this world...love him like breathing...involuntary and necessary...

he is my sustainace...my soul mate...my savior.

How much does my life suck, huh?