In the beginning....
2003-05-28 � 1:17 p.m.

"Why do people always use the phrase life and death? Life isn't the opposite of death....birth is the opposite of death. Life...life has no opposite." Dawson's Creek

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Well here it is....here I am in my 27th year of life and newly broken up from the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with...so what do I do? I start an online diary. I guess since I can't talk to any of my friends and family about it without getting that "You poor little idiot" look, and I'm tired of writing my tirades in my angst filled "feelings" journal, I have chosen to spill my guts to the void and let my so called life be examined and ridiculed by faceless entites that get a kick out of emotional voyerism...ok...that shit sounds sanctimonious even to me. Please don't stop reading...I'm not always like this...I can be better, I promise...geez...now I'm begging someone I don't even know not to leave me...

yeah...I've hit bottom...

So a breif synopsis seems to be in order I guess...well...have always been the odd man out...very nomadic childhood due to having a military father for most of my life and then having a mother that doesn't like to pay the bills for the other half...it really sucks moving every year. I mean folks might say that roots are over rated...but they are full of shit. No matter what...there is no better feeling in the world than having a place to call home...but I digress...so childhood and my awkward teens, I'm sure you will find out...were less than glamorous or fun...and the college years quickly faded into a pipe dream when my mom spent up my tuition and then had the nerve to get sick so I couldn't finish school or leave her anyway (damn her to hell! lol)...so yeah...I became an offical spinster at age 20. Sucks huh? We won't delve into my love life...at least not the early ones right now....plenty of time for that later...we'll just skip to the Cowboy, as he will be known for all prosperity (well that and jerkboy...same person so try to keep up) So, I met him...and we clicked...so much in common it was scary...and we kissed and I fell in love. He had his issues...but hell...so do I...but to my surprise his issues didn't piss me off like usual...they endeared him to me. Yup...a sucker from the start. Well...things moved on...a bit faster than I was ready for...but surprisingly, when he asked me to marry him, I realized that that was all I wanted...to be Mrs. Cowboy...have a house, a bunch of rugrats, and grow old with this man I adored above all. We never really had any problems...like nothing major...and things were cool these past couple of months except that I started to notice that he was becoming more distant...we were having a bit of trouble finding an apartment, and I was going through some really fucked up problems at home...and whenever I would call him or see him...he...well...he wasn't there. I couldn't understand it, and we argued...but he always would say he loved me and I was his future...nothing was going to tear us apart.

Well he tore us apart...funny...I never thought of him as nothing before.

Then on the infamous 18 of May, he tells me he feels like he's messing up our future because he is trying to do too many things at once...so we needed to take a step back. A STEP BACK!!?? Our anniversary was next month, I'm about to be homeless because he had been dicking around with finding us a place, my money was all types of screwed up due to unforeseen finances, on top of all the emotional bullshit I was going through at home, he decides that instead of fighting together to make it through, we need to be on our own and get ourselves together. He just needs to be alone...he doesnt want to hear anyone else's problems right now because he feels too inept to solve them. When I asked him if he loved me he said yes...when I asked him if he wanted to be with me, his notoriously ambiguous answer was I DON'T KNOW. I asked why...he replied I DON'T KNOW. Everything was I don't know like he was a fucking 5 year old for at least an half an hour. Finally I said I don't know is just like saying you really don't want to be with me anymore...is that what you're saying? And as he gets out of the car he quotes in his most cryptic Riddler impersonation, I guess that's what I'm saying, but that's not what I want.

What the fuck does that mean? I mean...are we broken up...taking a breather...what? I have no clue at that time. A few days later (when I'm calmer) we talk again...yes I still want to be with you, but we were jumping without looking and we really should work on ourselves now instead of stumbling through it later and causing us problems. I love you...and I will keep in touch...you are still the woman I am going to marry...just belive baby...Never forget how much I love you.

I haven't heard from his ass since then.

So instead of taking an AK47 to his house and blowing his lying ass to kingdom come, I start an online journal for the world to see in hopes maybe someone will see this and understand...someone will sympathize without judgement...because I'm sure it will be prevailant in future entries, being the asshole that I am...I still love him. I will always love him.

I just need to find a way to forget him.

So see me...pity me, love me, hate me, laugh and ridicule me...I don't care.

Something is always better than nothing.

Right?